wOrDs fROm ThE SoMnAmBuList

NOW THAT I'M 21 and before I TURN 22...

2009-04-12T01:47:00.005+08:00

TO-DO LIST for 2009 (as of April 12, 2009... EASTER SUNDAY)

1. teach workshops (successful ones)
2. have workshops (helpful ones)
3. act in plays (successfully)
4. have at least 1 racket in the indie film scene
5. lose weight
6. read 21 books
7. go back into writing my heart out again
8. write a play
9. have side-line writing jobs to earn money
10. go to an out-of-town vacation with friend(s)
11. have a Solo vacation
12. Get a tattoo
13. Maintain a clean or at least a safe record in my social status and shit
14. Try to become a Pesco-vegetarian for at least a month
15. - 21. I leave the rest of my to-do's to mystical chenes, but I wish the rest of what's gonna happen or what I'll be doing will help me Learn a lot, Experience new things, know myself, make myself better, etcetera...yeah!

Bartender word-vomiting in the rain... or inside a house... a poor man's house?... or in my heart perhaps?... nyak!

2009-03-29T04:36:00.003+08:00

Sabi nga ni Regina, Magsismula ito sa pagbaha at matatapos sa pag-ambon…ambon… am… bon… matagal na pag-ambon…

hanggang sa mawawala na…

Magdidilim ang langit…Kukulog…

Akala ko nga tapos na ang pagtulo ng ulan sa butas kong puso, hindi pa pala, babalik din pala kalaunan ang pag-bagsak ng mga tubig sa aking damdamin, at pati narin sa aking ulo… at pucha, dahil sayo parin…

Nilalakihan mo nanaman ang mga binutas mo dating mga parte ng sarili ko na akala ko’y matagal ko nang natapalan…

Pero iba ang sakit ngayon, dahil parang huling hirit na talaga ito, parang wala na kong mahihirit pa, hindi na talaga…

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko nga akalaing di pa tapos ang lahat, pero ngayon, mas masakit ang pakiramdam, di dahil dapat matapos na talaga, dahil wala na talagang dahilan para ipagpatuloy pa… (Ilang beses ko ng nasabi itong linyang ito, pero kahit di naging totoo dati, sasabihin ko uli for the last time para sayo… at dapat lang magiging totoo na siya ngayon)

Dahil mukhang hindi mo na talaga ako kailangan; na sa kahit anong bagay, sa kahit anong problema, na kahit anong relasyon pa gamitin natin, o sa kahit sa anong paraan pa ay talagang... kaya mo na... kaya mo na na wala ako...

Aambon…

Mawawala na ang mga panghihinayang…

Ang mga pag-iisip ng ibang paraan para lang makasama ka

Ang mga tangkang paghihiganti

Ang pakiramdam na kailangan mo ko sa buhay mo kahit na ako talaga ang may kailangan sayo...

Ang pag-asa…

Lalakas ang ambon…

Kailangan ko na nga sigurong hayaan tumulo ang tubig…ang luha… ang sakit na maaring alam mo, pero di mo kailanman maiintindihan...

Uulan…

Sa huling pagkakataon, tatanggapin ko muli ang iyong pagbagsak, Hahayaan kita dumaloy, umalon, at pumasok sakin muli…tatanggalin ko ang mga tapal ng mga butas, hahayaan kong bumuka ang mga ito, bumuka ng bumuka, hanggang sa bumagsak muli sa aking paligid at sarili ang agos mo, hanggang sa masira na ang bubong… rumagasa ka at patuloy mo kong ulanan ng iyong pagiging ikaw…

Lalakas ang ulan

Hanggang tuluyan mo nang sirain na lahat; ang bubong, ang bahay, ang espasyo, lahat ng tinayo at ginawa kong bagay na nakapaligid sayo… para sakin at sayo…

Dahil kapag nasira na nang tuluyan… di na maayos pa…

At kakailanganin ko na maghanap ng bagong ipupundar, itatayo, gagawin, at tatapalan parin pag nasira…

isang bagong himlayan ng aking sarili… para saakin at sa iba, o maaring para sa sarili ko lang talaga…

kung ano man yun, kailangan ko nang sumaya sa iba…

at matatapos sa pag-ambon…ambon… am… bon… matagal na pag-ambon…

Hindi ako sigurado kung kailan, o paano ito matatapos, o kung kakainin ko ba lahat ng sinabi ko, o baka ilang unos pa ang dadating para matapos na ito lahat… pero alam kong…

Konting ambon at ulan pa…

mawawala na…

At lalalaya na tayo…

Lalaya ka na…

Lalaya na ko…

Alas-tres ng umaga, kumukulog, umuulan, malamig, magigising sa kwarto dahil sa pagtulo ng ulan mula sa butas na bubong papatak sa noo… pipikit lang uli at matutulog muli…

IT'S RAINING lots of good CATS AND fucking rabies-infected DOGS!

2008-05-23T22:53:00.005+08:00

"Rainy season has officialy started," sabi nga ng PAG-ASA...

And damn it's really pouring... bumabaha na nga eh! Sana nga lang hindi talaga ako malunod...

Sobrang masaya kasi lumangoy, as in! Kaya napagdesisyon ko na talaga na kunin na ang lahat ng chances para lumangoy ako sa bahang ito. Malinis-linis naman ng konte ang bahang ito, exciting at ka-aya-aya... kaya nga masaya eh! Sana nga lang talaga ay umayos pa ang swimming skills ko dahil baka lumubog ako... shet!

Badtrip pa, kasi kasabay sa paglangoy ko ay may mga basura ding nakikilangoy sakin na kailangan ko talagang linisin (required eh)... panira talaga sa exciting at ka-aya-ayang bahang ito... Dahil kung di ko pa malilinis ito, makakadulot pa ang mga basurang ito ng paglalason, at pucha, pag nangyari yun, ay shet!

Damn, it's really frustrating...

That all good opportunities come at the same time and it feels like you only have to choose one, but still you choose all, which is kind of risky...

That there are things that you do that also hinder what you really want to do, yet you still have to do it because you really need to(gulo noh?)...

Haay...

But still...

I'm going to keep on swimming in this flood kahit may issues pa siya! And I'm telling you, I won't stop till I drown... that's the risk I'm willing to take!

I just hope its worth the risk to fucking swim in this fucking body of water...

Kung Sa Bagay

2008-05-01T01:13:00.006+08:00

"Hindi ko mabubuhay ang isang bagay na ako lang mag-isa ang gagawa ng paraan para mabuhay ito..."

PAALAM na muli sayo...

Hanggang sa muli mong pagbabalik para akin muling subukang buhayin...

na sana sa panahong iyon,

Di na ko mag-iisa...

The Salapuddin Blast

2008-04-28T20:24:00.006+08:00

So I guess my 41 hrs of bumming and power naps in my OJT is not to be whine about after all...

At last it happened, and it's worth the wait...

Yes it just happened, a real ojt moment!

Since manpower is lacking in our little newsroom, my mentor assigned me to write a story(alone), it's about some former basilan rep involved in some blast. I thought it would be easy at first, since I've been collaborating with the other news writers in rummaging info from other news outfits and all (Oo, that's what they do here... well 50% lang naman, yung iba sariling sikap parin)...

So I thought I was done, since i thought it was very easy...

But when my mentor started to ask questions...

"How many were killed?... Sigurado ka ba sa info diyan, baka sobra mong ginaya, makulong ka niyan... huy... ilan na yung namatay... sino si Indama... ano file name ng article mo?"

I turned blank... now I know that copying news from other agencies is not that easy...

Damn, even the filename of my article, which is the name of the lead character in my story, slipped off my mind on the spot...

Salapuddin! Salapuddin ang pangalan niya!

"Huy Joanna! Ano na?"

"Po? Ano po? ahm... teka..."

I snapped!

It became so nerve-wracking...

yet so exciting!

Finally, something is happening in my ojt!

So since I know their PCs are very turtle-ish, i took my laptop without thinking, used their internet source, and surfed the net to answer my mentor's questions.

He edited my article as expected, and made me promise to never write a news article the way i just did: incomplete, uber short, and all that bullshit!

so yeah... I'll try to do better next time!

At least I've learned something today...

At Oo... exciting na yan sa lagay na yan!

I wish it would always be like this... kahit nakakakaba!

Well that's what happened in my ojt today...

Next week, I'll be attending a press conference... then hopefully, join another OJT for my other 100hrs; REUTERS baby! Can't wait!

Damn, I think I have to work on my grammar...

Sunday Shmanay

2008-04-20T22:26:00.006+08:00

It’s Sunday, my rest day, my day to be absorbed by ugly betty, and my day to ponder on things that’s affecting my life right now…

Ok, so planado na ang summer ko: OJT for my journ sa hapon ng mwf, learn something from annotating in tapets sa umaga, and plan AA: accomplish some of my plans for it by this summer as well, mga ganun…

So here’s now, there’s this boring ojt that I’m not learning anything from (let’s add a “yet” for hope), the POA at tapets that I don’t know where the destination is, and AA: the people, plans, vacation, and my being too much excited on things!

I now feel so “toxic”; full of angst, anxiety, paranoia, pressure, and many many more!

The feeling is like everything is not going according to plan, or that maybe I’ve too much planned out things that it’s starting to feel like... like… like it’s too much… too much for them, for me, and for the mystical chenes (gusto ko lang siya isama, since he/she partly drives the wheel of fate, etc)!

Damn I’m thinking too much!

I need to fucking relax…

But hey, I really think that I don’t plan too much, it’s just that some adjustments have to happen, and that’s not wrong I guess, it doesn’t ruin anything, it’s just that some things don’t happen according to plan…

Well maybe I just have to get used to the fact that everything will not fall into place in a perfect pace (perfect pace, meaning my desired pace, hehehe)… I got to be ready to face the things that might happen, not happen, suddenly happen, or any other things that might happen that would either ruin or successfully construct my plans.

It is after all an inter-connected thing, a social thing where everyone is involved and would either get in the way or give way, that’s just the way it is.

Actually, I know this open-to-adjustments stuff already; it’s just that before, I’m not much of a planner that when something didn’t go well, it’s ok because I didn’t plan it that much in the first place. But now is different, I’m working on something big here already, and I’m actually planning, so It’s bothering me now when something off happens.

And that’s my analysis on the situation that just happened to me… this analysis was created in my attempt to feel better in some way…

Vague isn’t it?

But I feel a bit better now…

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Next stop… my writing skills and the ability to create something artzy… puta nangangalawang na ko!

Feeling ko si Ugly betty na ko dahil sa kakapanood ko sakanya, or si wilhemina, hahaha! Pero please talaga to ugly betty, chaka pero may mga papa, che! Well, sabi nga ni inay, She has a big heart daw kasi... bakit? Ako din naman ha!... ay ooops, i forgot, we're talking about TV here, a machine creating escapisms and fantasies for poor and miserable people, hahahaha!

I feel dried up, I need refreshment…something that would make me feel alive and kicking…

Sa mga pagbabagong nararanasan ko, pakiramdam ko tuloy kailangan ko muli magsimula... maganda naman yun, pero parang nakakagulo din ng isipan...

Eto na ko… unting-unti ng nagsisimula ang makina sa sasakyang gagamitin sa bagong biyaheng ito… pasakay na ko… at ako na talaga ang dapat sumakay… marami pa nga lang sumisingit…

Che! Ang gulo ko!

Maybe I’ll expound nalang sa next post ko… pag napaglinay-linayan ko na!

Cge… leche!

So long, farewell! Hello, welcome!

2008-04-06T19:02:00.005+08:00

Nakapagpaalam na...

May mga pagugunita, maraming tawanan, may konteng luha, may mga hinanakit, may mga nilabas, may pagisisi...

Pero may mas kalinawanagan na ngayon...

Pero huli na nga... nakakalungkot...

Pero alam ko hindi pa huli ang lahat sa pagyayaman ng mga kaalaman mula sakanila...

Panghahawakan ko yun...

Maraming salamat sainyo...

At ngayon, kailangan ng maghanda sa pagsalubong sa panibagong kabanata...

Maghahanda po talaga ako...

Yes, It's official... I am now that person behind that artistic wheel of AA...

At ang pagtuklas kung ano ang meron sa biyaheng ito ay nagsisimula na...

nyay...

Hehehehe...

Anyway,
On the shallow side of things... since gusto ko siya ishare...

Wala akong bagsak! yahoo! thanks mystical chenes! thanks to me! Thanks to the profs! Sa lahat!

Akala ko madedebar na talaga ako at masisira na ang mga pangarap ko... tapos hindi nga ko nadebar... pero nangangamba parin ako na may bagsak ako, pero no! Wala kahit isa... yes! Oh yes!

I don't care kung hindi ako DL, o marami akong tres at konte lang ang uno ( i'm not really cut out for that academic crap, hehehe!) , I just want to use this scholastic realm because naglalaman siya ng isang venue of grounding for my artistic journey... hahahaha!

Pero honestly sobrang saya ko na pasado ako dahil matutupad parin ang gusto ko, kahit nga di na ko makagraduate eh, matapos ko lang ng maayos at masaya AA term ko, pero siyempre...mas ok kung makaka-graduate ako... you know... i still have to succumb to the requirements of the traditional reality that we still live in...

Chos! Dami kong reasons at excuses...

Parang ang weird ng way kong magsulat dito, parang hindi ako yung nagsasalita pag binabasa ko...

huh?

Haay Basta!

Shet... eto na toh...

Senior na ko! AD na talaga ko!

Waaah!

2008-03-31T15:09:00.013+08:00

Ito na...

A fraction of the 4,988-word na chronicle that I'm supposed to give you... ginawa ko nalang 152 words...

I have my reasons...

Mababasa sana ang 22 pages na mga posts tungkol sayo pati isa ring pagbabalik tanaw sa mga samahan pati ang mga nilalaman ng mga iyon na talagang kinatuwaan natin... mga pahina na di mo mababasa...

pagkatapos...

ito...

... saya pala noh, baka yun na yung dahilan kung bakit kita nagustuhan… ang masayang samahan na nasobrahan ako sa pagkasaya!

Mababasa sana ang ilang phrases tungkol sa pagpapaalam at sa pagtingin sa hinaharap... mga phrases na muli, di mo na mababasa...

pagkatapos...

ito...

Sana maging masaya na tayo lahat…

Ay teka... masaya ka na pala… badtrip bitter ako, hehehe!

Ganito nalang....

Sana humaba na talaga ang kasiyahan mo... sa kanya...
Na kahit masakit at mahirap minsan, ang makasama siya ay isang bagay na di mo kailanman pagsisisihan… Dahil isa kayong magkabiyak na magkaiba ngunit magkatulad, masaya at kayang gumawa ng kasiyahan mula sa kahit anong bagay, magkasama at nagkakaintindihan… Di lang kayo nagmamahalan, magkaibigan din kayo…
at basta lumalaki ang relasyon ninyo ng masaya, at may bagong natututunan mula sa isa’t isa, walang makakapaghiwalay sainyo… walang wala…

Ok na ba yun? Wala nang kapaitan dun ha...

Hahaha...

Sana makakita narin ako ng tulad nun, na ganun din naman din ang turing sakin…

haay…

Cge, Paalam…

So yun...

yun nalang...

ganun nalang...

Makapagkape na nga uli!

Oh Come on!

2008-03-27T14:01:00.004+08:00

Ayusin... dapat ma-settle na ang lahat... baka makalimutan... pag-usapan yan... ayusin natin... dapat ma-settle na lahat... take note... huwag kalimutan... lahat mag-trabaho... ayusin... ayusin... maaga pa ha... pahinga muna... hindi maganda kung settled na ang lahat ngayon palang... isettle, isettle... puke!

- The new discovered side of J-MEE... or the new monster created by J-mee

Nagiging obsessive compulsive na ata ako, but not in a neat- clean-blahblah way ha, ay gudluck naman kung ganun. Let's just say I've been too keen on things lately, and i just can't stop it...

Masyado na kong contained sa ADship ko grabe, hahahaha! Pero don’t get me wrong, hindi naman ako absorbed at lunon dito, kasi kung ganun, di ko na nagagawa yung ibang trabaho ko sa ibang bagay, well, nakakapag-bum pa naman ako at tambay, hehehe. And I mean, may magagawa ba ko kung nagagawa ko na kaagad ang mga pag-assigned at organize ng tasks ko sa mga tao ng mabilis… hehehe, excited kasi, tsaka sabi nga ni kuya Fadz, addicting ang pag-plaplano ng mga bagay with an OC touch, parang sa bawat detalyeng naiisip mo dapat ma-take note mo siya, tapos ioorganize mo siya, wala dapat makalimutan, hangga’t may butas, dapat ma-puna at matahi.

Damn I just can’t stop it anymore, help!

Bucket list

2008-03-22T14:46:00.010+08:00

I wrote this GOT-TO LIST last December 25, 2005, sige nga at ma-edit..

I got to have a digital camera soon- well, nagkaroon ako after two months, at nawala after another month hehehe, pero may semi-automatic slr na ko, at nakakahiram naman ako ng digicam sa jowa ng ate ko, hehehe!

I got to have a guitar again- check! Meron na kong pink guitar, hehehe!

I got to get back in shape- goodluck, hahaha! pero di na ko kumakain uli ng kanin!

I got to read a lot of books - well, it's been a while, pero nagbabasa parin naman, di nga lang madami!

I got to learn how to drive - walang oras, pero marunong na ko ng konte mag-start, hahaha!

I go to do a lot of art appreciations- keri lang, nanood naman ako ng plays at films, pati mga workshops, pero more pa sana!

I got to join tomcat- che! ayoko narin, wag na, may AA na ko at PETA, hahaha.

I got to be something in Artistang Artlets- pucha, talagang sinulat ko pala ito! Haha... very well said, ehem! ehem!

I got to take nature trips- parang di ko pa nagagawa ito... pero tamang beach lang at barilan sa kagubatan, keri na ba yun?

I got to learn alibata- di pa, ala pang oras!

I got to learn Chinese and French- hmmm, pag pupunta na ko dun...

I got to preserve my friends- well... it's either i preserve them, or i fall in love with them, hahaha, huhuhuhu...

I got to have a worthy boyfriend- goodluck naman, che! kahit matinong fubu nalang na pwedeng kaibigan at companion, no strings attached, hehehe.

I got to finish my course in Journalism- oh please mystical chenes... sana... please!

I got to go to Graduate school- keri lang, let's see!

I got to stop smoking when the sign comes- di ko pa nakikita, hahaha!

I got to be a good writer- dream on!

I got to be a good broadcaster- sana...

I got to be immersed in the different cultures of the Philippines- well not yet, pero nagsisimula na... some music and dance palang...

I got to go around Asia and Europe- sige, antay lang... hahahaha...

I got to get my family and me to a trip outside the country- I would... pag may pera na...

I got to have a daughter/son- yeah, kahit wala ng asawa leche, pero yung tatay sana matinong ka- buddy ko...

I got be enlightened- yup, this would take some time...

Well, may dadagdag pa ko...

Makapag-turo sa mga bata

Maka-conduct ng workshops

Maka-arte sa PETA major prod

More more workshops

Writing workshops!

Write a play again...

Make a short film...

Makapag-sulat sa diyaryo!

Climb a mountain...

Pahiyas and Vigan!

Makalimutan ang mga hindi pwedeng bagay... chos!

Matutong mag let go at mag-live on...

Maayos ang AA sa 28th season na kasama ako...

muli... jowang matino...

hehehe!

So yun, since malapit na naman ang pasko ng pagkabuhay, pwes isang paraan para iwanan ang nakaraan ay ang balikan muna ito, at mag-plano sa hinaharap, o diba? well let's see, kung may mga ilan na namang natupad sa list ko, at least diba... hahaha... well let's see...

Anyway, sa wakas after 4 days of bumming sa bahay, watchmovies.net, pagiging depress, sa pagiging decided na sa gagawin ko sakanya, sa hindi pagligo, pag imbento ng pasta recipes, at kung anu-ano pa...

makakapag-kape na muli ako, yipee!

So yun, cge! Maliligo na ko...

Advance happy easter everyone!

2008-03-19T17:37:00.002+08:00

Eto ang unang flash fiction kong ginawa sa talang buhay ko, mga one hour before the deadline ko ata siya ginawa, pero keri lang naman, hehe.

Maganda ang writing exercise na ito... gagawa ka ng storya na composed of less than 200 words lang, tapos dapat may formula pa na may itra-trap kang idea sa mga readers, then punchline sa huli, something like that, same formula ng joke. Ang astig kasi dito, ay dapat maging open ang story mo sa iba't ibang interpretation

Salamat kay eros, eto handog ko sakanya sa pagtatapos ng aming pagsasama... cge enjoy!

SAN SI KULAS?

Malamig ang simoy ng hangin dala ng gabing lumipas, pero tagaktak parin ang pawis ni Mang kulas na tumutulo mula sa kanyang puting buhok hanggang sa kanyang kulubot na balat. Malapit nang sumikat ang araw, marahil bumabagal na talaga siya sa tanda niya at ng kanyang trabaho. Dala ang kupas na pulang sakong naglalaman ng mga materyales na bubuo sa handog niya sa mga batang sana’y mapasaya narin niya, patungo na siya sa huling himlayang kanyang aayusin para sa araw na yun. Di nagtagal ay nakita na rin niya ang dakong kanyang bubungkalin at siya’y napangiti, “Konti nalang, makakapagpahinga narin ako, at ikaw rin bata, mamamayapa ka narin, wala nang makakagulo sayo dito…”

2008-03-19T17:25:00.005+08:00

Mapapaginipan kita,

Asa mundo ko ikaw...

Pero unti-unti ka na daw lalayo, hindi na kita mahahabol,

Kahit meron pa kong natitirang mithi na makasama ka dito sakin, mukhang makakampante na kong mas gusto mo talaga dun sa iba…

Unting-unti ka nang mag-lalaho, kasama siya

Kahit huwag ka na sa mundo ko, pero huwag lang sa kanya… pero kung mukhang mas masaya ka na dun… May magagawa pa ba ko?

Unti-unti ka ng mawawala… pero tatamarin narin akong hanapin ka nanaman…

Pagod na rin ako siguro… lalo na pag nasasaktan din ako kasabay ng pagod…

Gigising ako pagkatapos,

Makikita kita, makikita ko kayo, magkikita tayo, ngingiti, magpapanggap, magsasaya…

Hahayaang maramdaman ang saya at ang sana’y manuot na sawa sa pagtingin ko sayo…

Hayaan lang umagos ang mga bagay-bagay, huwag pigilan, hayaan ng lumabas, para lumaya na…

lumayo…

Maglaho…

at Mawala na rin sa wakas ang mga bagay-bagay na yun,

pati rin ang mundo kong ginawa para saatin…

Sana mapaginipan na kita, at magising na rin ako kalaunan…

"Mahal kita"... sabay magmamadaling aapak sa sahig para bumalik na ang mga braincells sa utak at bumalik sa ulirat, di mapakaling tatakbo palabas... hehehe spanglish...

Dahil diyan, matutulog ako…

si may

2008-03-13T01:07:00.004+08:00

may natupad,

may umpisa,

may patapos na,

may saya,

may lungkot,

mainit,

nangngati ako...

meron paring hindi nagbabago,

meron ng unti-unting naglalahong pag-asa,

mahirap parin.... bumabalik kasi uli minsan...

meron talgang hindi maiwanan kaagad...

marami pang takot...

marami pa ang darating...

makakaya ko kaya....

marami pang dapat gawin...

may hindi kailangang gawin...

may kailangang gawin...

may gusto parin akong gawin...

may gusto parin akong mangyari...

matutupad kaya yun?

haay...

Endless saga of a hopeless fatty

2008-02-25T23:38:00.006+08:00

Mahirap bumitaw sa bagay na kaka-amin mo lang sa sarili mo na meron ka pala,

Mahirap tapusin ang bagay na pasimula palang...

Pero mas mahirap na ang natuklasan mong bagay ay kaya mong hawakan, kaya mong maramdaman, pero hindi mo parin maaring maangkin...

Di mabitawan ang hindi kayang mahagkan..... tang ama!

Nakakatuwa na sa oras na naramdaman mo na ang sakit sakit na pala, sa oras na hinayaan mo ng tumulo na ang mga luha mo at humiyaw, sa sandaling hinayaan mo nang aminin sa sarili mo ang ayaw mong akalaing nararamdan mo... sa saglit na dumaan sa isip mo na naloko ka nanaman... na umiibig ka nanaman sakanya...

na ganun parin… na sa pagranas muli ng mga ganung pakiramdam,

ay sakit parin ang nanunuot…

dahil alam mong sa muling pagkakataon, di parin puwede… di na talaga puwede…

di siya dapat puwede…

Oo magulo ako...leche...

Yes it's official, I'm in love again...

and it took me tons of roller-coaster rides with YOU, addictions, peer pressure and lectures, an assumed failed hypothesis, and lastly, the feeling of love's pain first before admitting to myself that yes, I'm in love with you...

too bad that i have to leave it... YOU know why...

I need to...

So for the nth time... the cycle of consuming you until i got sick would begin again...

I really have to know when would this end... this fucking cycle:

I'll try to forget, then I'll remember, I'll be hurt, then I'll try to forget again... and then you'll fucking come around again, round and round it goes! FUCK!

Haay...

a prisno que existe

2008-02-15T11:48:00.005+08:00

PRISNO
malabong bulwagan ng mga salitang pilit tinutugma

Di ako makagalaw sa pitis ng kanyang mga bisig
Minsa’y ninais kong pumiglas Pero ngayo'y mukhang hindi ko na yata ibig
Nakatali ako sa gapos na siya ang may sadya,
Pero gugustuhin ko pa nga bang kumalas sakanya?

Hawak niya ang aking mga kamay na ayaw niyang bitawan
Di pa nagpaawat at tinali pa ang aming kamay na magkaugnayan
Yakap niya'y sa sobrang higpit ay parang di na ko makahinga
Ayaw niya kong pakawalan, pero gugustuhin ko pa nga ba?

Mahigpit, masikip
Walang agwat na makikita sa bawat anggulo
Magkasama, magkalapit
Wala na akong kawala

Nanghihina na ako sa bawat minuto lumilipas sa kanyang pagbihag,
Na parang pag pinakawalan niya ko ay tila di ko na makakaya
Ako'y nakabilanggo sa kanya, malayo sa kalayaan
Pero bakit parang hindi mabahiran ng lungkot ang di ko mapigilang saya

Sa pagkakulong sa kanya o sa kalayaan ng pag-iisa
Hindi na mawari ang nais mangyari
Kasayahan lang ang aking mithi
Kaya kailangan ba maging malaya para maging masaya?

malabong halo

2008-02-12T00:56:00.000+08:00

enough about whining...

enough about whining on the things that you thought you knew, or felt...

things that you thought you have realized or noticed because of boredom

that you thought you need now or you thought that you are pressured to do... but no... not really!

you thought was real... but just an illusion caused by aging and fabricated fear of solitude amidst all the committed jerks...

thought was real but can never be true...

Haay...

Really... i just got over it... realized that there are more important things in life right now than having illusions on needing something that I'm not sure of, or something that is not yet worthy of me, or something that I thought it was something else... ang gulo hehehe!

oh well, back to zero again...

at least I've learned something...

don't worry, I would still be looking for it, still be waiting for it... but not in you anymore that's for sure, or in anyone else... for now...

tama na muna ang sawsaw,
maglalamyerda nalang muna ako,
maghahanda nalang ako para sa isang bonggang-bonggang paglublob...

Sana...

Maghihintay ako...

Oo nga pala...

To that never-ending container of my experimented potions, with formulas, and all that experimental shit...

sayang, I thought na tama na ang hypothesis ko this time, mali parin pala...

but anyway...

thanks again...

sa uulitin... chos!

oh boy

2008-02-08T01:43:00.001+08:00

I've said this before... a lot of times... but I hope this time... it would really happen...

For the nth time...

Ayoko na...

Please...

Tama na talaga... ayoko na talaga...

Parang awa niyo na...

Ayoko na...

Nahihirapan na ko sa mga simpleng patakas na saya na nakukuha ko sayo
Mga saya na siyang nagdudulot din ng unti-unting pagkasawi ng iba...
Hindi pa masakit, hindi pa ko nakakasakit,
pero kailangan ko pa bang maghintay?

Masaya pa ngayon, pero pano na sa susunod
Hindi ako makakasigurado, ikaw may masisigurado ka ba sakin?
Ang kaya ko lang ay umasa,
pero kahit yun, hindi narin yata puwede,

kaya ko pa, kaya kong kayanin ang sakit,
pero ayoko ng maging makasarili,
kung dati ako lang ang nasasaktan na matagal na kong sanay,
iba na ngayon, maari na kong makasakit

Dapat na nga ko sumuko...

tama na talaga...

sana...

Please...

Wag ng hayaan pang humantong sa mas masakit na katapusan...

Hindi ko na tatapusin, kakalimutan ko nalang...

Kakalimutan ko nalang ang mga pakiramdam na hindi naman talaga nasabi...

Mali, pero ayun lang ang tamang paraan sa ngayon...

Sana...

Please...

Cuss-in-it

2008-01-21T23:43:00.000+08:00

I was numb and bored; in need of something to kick me back again from my senses. I tried to use cheap devices at first, but they were never enough, those things could really never be replacements for the hallow spots inside me.

And then it came again unintentionally, that device again that once brought me pleasure and pain before. I was not sure if it could still fill up the emptiness inside of me, but it looked so new and hopeful, so tempting and satisfying, it looked like it was something that would make me feel again, make me smile again...

I had no choice... I was again caught by the attention it gave me...

So I chose to consume it; focused myself into taking it piece by piece, for it was never easy getting its entirety, absorbing it slowly into my body and mind was the only best thing that I could have to get it, yes it was long, but definitely sweeter than nothing.

And then it happened, the scarcity of its availability... I started to want more of it, needing it 24/7. I became so much attached to it that consuming little by little was not enough anymore, I want to take it entirely, suck it all up inside me, I want to be one with it... I started to get addicted...

the addiction gets worse and worse as the attention it gave me also diminishes...

I realized again, I can’t have all of it, I can never have all of it, I don’t even know if I could still have it in the future again… and what sucks more is that I knew that from the start,

I hate it…

But it looked so new and hopeful, so tempting and satisfying, it looked like it was something that would make me feel again, make me smile again…

Only to realize that it happened again, like it happened before, and even before that…

I had no choice… I was again caught by the short-time attention it gave me…

I got addicted by a tiny thing it did to me...

Fuck!

There I admitted it!

Now bring me to the nearest rehab before I see it again!

Gutom

2008-01-13T11:56:00.000+08:00

Maaring ganun na nga lang...

Humugot sa kawalan at manatili sa mundo ng ilusyon,
Paniwalain ang sarili na realidad ang iyong pinanghahawakan

Kailangan mo yon...

Managinip,

Sige makakasama mo na siya, malalaman mo na rin sa wakas ang sagot sa mga tanong mo, makukuha mo na ang mga gusto mo... makikita mo na... magiging masaya ka na...

Sige at mahibang ka lang sa mundong iyon, walang masama...
Huwag ka nga lang maging kawala paglabas mo sa mundong iyon...

Alam mo kung gaano kasakit ang katotohanan...
Alam mo kung gaano kalungkot...

Haay...

Kaya sige, maglaro ka lang sa kaisipan na hibang…
Huwag hayaang makawala ang tanging meron ka
Hawakan mo ng mahigpit, damdamin ito sa iyong sarili...
sarili lamang...

Kailangan mo yon… kailangan...

Ang mundo ng ilusyon na tanging bumubuhay sa iyo ngayon sa iyong pagkukulang at pag-iisa...

Para sa aking tiyan,
Salamat sa tiyan kong susubukin kong hindi pansinin sa realidad, pero pipilitin ko ko nalang punuan sa ilusyon...
Huwag kang mag-alala, mabubusog pa rin ako sa paborito nating mundo, pipilitin kong mabusog ang aking sarili kahit sa katuliruan lang...

Isa ka talagang inspirasyon...

2007-12-27T19:49:00.000+08:00

How satisfying it is to have him...

I don't know, it's like he always makes me feel special for him… that I could have him anytime and anywhere I need him, and still he doesn’t get tired of me. We could stay for hours being together whether just the two of us, while smoking, or with friends... he's really a package!

Whenever we are together, it's as if he is for me alone, and I am the only one that could consume him, cherish him. It’s like I own him, and that he was really meant for me... he's always there accompanying me in my every taste of life, helping me to realize the bitter, sweet, and even the sour taste of life. Perfect catch i guess, perhaps others would want to have a taste of him, I let them, but I know he’s loyal to me, and we both know he was really made for me.

He keeps me sane you know; keeps my mind off things, or help me to let it all out, he really helps me to get by, he’s the perfect absorbing man and the chillax buddy at the same time…. Yeah, I guess he’s really perfect for me…. I think I love him, and obviously, he loves me so much as well that he’ll never stop loving me and letting me have a taste of him…

As long as I won’t ran out of money to have him…

The Expensive Coffee,

a guilty pleasure,

my escape,

my substitution…

To gabby... ayan na sagot ko...

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T01:26:00.000+08:00

22
Whined about you...
Whined some more...
Coffee with the puke people..
thought of you...
Met with my bro
Forgot about you
Crashed a party
Crashed another party... a furball party at some artzy bar in cubao na may sinehan sa taas...
Saw a lot of people: musicians, film-makers, tado, ramon bautista who smiled at me, hehehe.
Slept over at my kuya's place

23
Read gaiman, slept, read gaiman, dreamed, read gaiman
First time to trinoma
Recipes
coffee
Slept
Went home

24
Bum
Watched Himala for the first time
Bum
Thought of you for a sec
Food Binging
Noche Buena

gift na LAPTOP!
Wohoo...

Yeah!

25
Just done chatting with direk Marcso on his play about love and gender

Yawn!

Sana makapag-kape mamaya...

Haay...

Still unsure of things, haven't done a lot of things, still stuck on some things... oh well...

burp...

As I hold this 3rd bottle of redhorse slurpy....

cheers!

Happy Holidays Everyone!

After a long and dreamless sleep...

2007-12-22T10:20:00.000+08:00

Inspired by the songs of Skunk Anansie, a clit-rock band...

I woke up...

Feed with the pain.... consume it entirely... at least as much as i can...

Just a few more... and it would be over... at least I'll try to...

I'm in the lack of it... so instead of filling that certain thing, I'll just remove that thing entirely...

no more time to waste...

No, Be quiet!

at least... I'll fucking try...

The year will end,
still it's not over...
I'll try too...

I've heard and seen enough...

Listen to Skunk Anansie... you'll hear me out...

Try and listen to me... you'll see...

It's going to be over now...

Help me to sleep again without you...

Blurry talks on jars

2007-12-17T20:51:00.000+08:00

Ang mapaloob sa Bell jar ni Esther ay depressing...

di ko masasabing master ko ang kahulugan ng jar na iyon base sa libro, pero ang alam ko, living inside that jar would give you a sight of the world in a distorted and blurred way, since you are looking through a certain glass thingy nga diba? Pero bakit kaya naging ganun nalang ang pagtingin ni Esther sa mundo, is it because she has become a victim of circumstances, or of herself, leche i don't know!

Ayan naalala ko nanaman si Esther, ang likha ng suicidal writer na si Sylvia Plath. Salamat at nakita ko nanaman siya sa bookshelf, timing talaga at pinaalala nanaman niya kung gaano kalabo ang mundo o maaring kung gaano pinapalabo ng tao ang mundo kahit hindi naman...

Haay...

Masaya ang buhay, masaya...

Am i a victim of circumstances? Di ko naman kasalanan na mapalibutan ng mga bagay na either wala ako, o hindi ko kailanman makukuha ha, biktima nga lang talaga... or maybe what's happening to me is normal lang, and it's just that I'm so involved with myself na binibiktima ko lang ang sarili ko? Baka nga, lecheng mundo ito!

But wait... no! the world is not that chaka, it's just me... maganda at masaya naman ang mundo, maligaya ang mga tao, in fact they are all perky with matching shouts to the world about how their life turned out well amidst all the shitty things that happened before... wohoo! Happy joy joy ang katauhan... grr!

well except sa mga ilan na naiwan paring naka-kulong sa mga bell jar nila...

Haay, Merong naging masaya nanaman at napasama sa mga bakasyunista sa labas ng bell jar, habang kami ay nandito parin, napag-iwanan nanaman...

Puke... sori for being selfish, shit ako...

Damn...

konte nalang ata... mukhang makokontento na akong mag-isa sa buhay ah,

Konte nalang at Mawawala na ang pait at pag-aasim, at wala ng matitira kundi kamanhiran, hanggang apathy nalang...

Ilang tao pa na aalis sa tabi ko, mukhang kakayanin ko na...

Ilan pang mga pag-asa at inspirasyon na lilihis ng landas... tiyak matatauhan na ko...

Masaya ang buhay, masaya...

Ang puno't dulo ng lahat?

"There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the extra person in the room." Sylvia Plath, Bell Jar

Demoralized na ata ako... tuliro kaya? nasa bell jar nga lang talaga siguro...

May makakabasag pa kaya nitong jar na ito? O kahit ilabas lang ako sandali para sa isang bakasyon? O dito nalang ako forever, pagmamasdan ang ibang tao labas-pasok sa mga jars nila, habang ako stuck lang sa bell jar na ito, hanggang sa masuffocate na ko at mawalan ng hininga... nang nag-iisa...

Weird, I'm not mad or angry anymore,

I'm just sad and tired...

Masaya ang buhay, masaya...

Para sa mga nawawalan ng pag-asa...

2007-11-25T16:18:00.000+08:00

Marami akong pangarap... marami akong gustong gawin... alam kong hindi ko lahat matutupad yun, at lalong hindi ko lahat mailalagay ang mga gusto ko sa isang oportunidad lamang, I could only do so much...

with the people I'm working with na kaiba ko ng pag-iisip, at kaiba rin ng pag-tingin sa bagay na pareho naming pinanghahawakan...

sa tool na binigay sakin para punuan ng aking mga ideya na hindi naman lahat ay magkakasya dun nor babagay dun...

At sa mga taong hindi ako maintindihan, at hindi ko maintindihan...

Ang kaya ko lang gawin ay mag-compromise, sumabay sa agos, ibigay lang ang kaya ko, at ibahagi ang mga kaalaman ko na pwede rin mag-work for them...

kailangan lang namin mag-meet half-way

hindi siguro lahat ng gusto kong gawin ,magagawa ko dito, pero di naman ibig sabihin nun ay di ko na napatunayan ang sarili ko, ginawa ko lang ang tama... ang trabahuhin ang binigay saking oportunidad, at mag-tulungan kasama ang iba ko pang kasama dito, magkompormiso kung kailangan, at magpatuloy lang basta't wala akong inaapakan at walang umaapak sakin...

isa kaming organisasyon, ang pangarap ko'y hindi para sakin lamang... ito'y para sa kabubuti dapat ng lahat...

While they were sleeping...

2007-11-08T02:36:00.000+08:00

It's 3am and I'm still up...

I guess I haven't managed to trigger myself to somnolence yet, though it's weird because I desperately need a rest from all the things that I'm doing right now.

It was 10pm last night. After a day at the university, I went straight ahead to tapets, and have a rehearsal for a workshop showcase.

I was sitting in a corner of the rehearsal area, waiting for my scene to be blocked. I was sitting in the corner, turning the pages of my AA SM folder, but not really browsing it, while simultaneously having a texting chat with my PM and SM for a play that I'll be directing.

Damn, and there is still so much to do!

Hay, Kakapagod... to think na nag-sisimula palang...

But I don't know, I just can't stop, these are the things that I wanna do, or I have to do to get what I want to do, or something that would help me to be what I wanna be, and it’s just that most of the things that I want right now falls to theater. It's tiring, but I'm learning in every step of the way.

The feeling? Parang masarap na exhausting na pagod, di ko lam, it feels so weird.

Umpisa pa nga lang ito eh...

After Tapets last night (Pero 3 hours ago lang yun), I went to strbx with some of my peta friends and direk mark zufelt (Ibang klase na ang pag-papaalipin ko sa kano ngayon, hehe). Zufelt was talking a lot while most of us have our noses bleeding; he talked about acting theories, films, and a lot lot more that I have a learned a lot from. Then he asked a question that might be helpful to end this post...

"So ten years from now, how do you see yourself in theater?"

I've known myself for not planning ahead that much (Phlegmatic!), so I answered like what my mom always says,

"I'll cross the bridge when I get there!"

But I should have said what I have just thought right now, I forgot to say,

"I really don't know... but it's a part of me right now, and I don't have any plans of quitting yet. As of the moment, I'm working, learning, and having fun with theater... and I guess that's all what matters for now!"

I’m maybe tired but I’m still not tired of theater... naka naman!
Try ko na matulog...

2007-10-25T19:54:00.001+08:00

I've tried to take form... but i was still not seen, not even imagined, their eyes only passed...

rambles

2007-10-25T18:54:00.000+08:00

Finally, I've found the time from my "slug-in-motion" life to update this blog of mine... so... what's up?
....................................................................................

Well coffee and extrajos breakdowns are over because I quit my call center job, well not really quit, I just stopped going to work, so that's quitting I guess! Yup, back to my scavenging days again, isa na naman akong normal na estudyanteng humuhuthot sa mga magulang at mga kaibigan! Ok na toh cguro para di ako masakal, at makapag-focus muna sa mga bagay na mas malapit sakin.... ang pagiging tamad at did i mention ang pagiging tamad... di naman, well mas gusto ko ang dalawang teatro ko kaysa naman mag-pa alipin sa mga kano, kaya sakanila muna ko tututok.

mabili ko na sana yung mp3/recorder na gusto ko, bago pa maubos ang naipon kong sweldo.

...................................................................................
Some of my literature were not promising, in fact, some of my literature failed me, how ironic... naaah... i'm just too damn lazy, better luck next time for me... pero 1.25 naman ako sa feature writing, hehehe!

...................................................................................

I've become a talent scout/manager overnight when a young film-maker from bigfoot went to tapets and asked for talents for his film. Ayos, I got jon and gabby from aa and another two from emtits, sana lang talaga totohanin nila yung joke kong commission na 100 per day, kahit seryoso naman talaga ako...

...................................................................................
Magtuturo ako ng pag-bigkas sa diliman... magtuturo at matututo ng mundo ng teatro sa bulacan at qc simultaneously... at magbibigay ng direksyon para sa karunungan ng teatro...
....................................................................................

May mga taong nagdala sakin dito, only to find out na may mga tao rin palang ayaw sakin dito, pero andito na ko eh, ayoko ng lumingon, kailangan nalang ituloy ang paglalakad, hanggang dumiretso na ko o lumiko nalang ako sa panibagong daan sa tamang panahon... hindi na ko babalik... tuloy-tuloy na ito!
.....................................................................................

last night: steaks, mussels, coffee, yosi, and rain... love it!

today: bum d whole day, read your post, hate it because you still give me the kick, but funny I don't feel any breaks... pasweet ka lang kasi eh...haay...

jowa thoughts: la masyado, only that guy, pero di ko naman sya wish maging jowa, wala na tlga, weird!

tomorrow: tapets-emtits meeting, watch romulus d grayt, and let's see what happens next...
.....................................................................................

Here's a forgotten-to-publish post i wrote on March 9 of this year, nakaktuwa lang...

For the last couple of weeks, my life has been riding on a hell of a roller coaster... ang bilis ng mga pangyayari, di ko akalaing tapos na ang lahat!

Still got a hang-over from an inuman session last night, it was flippin'... nothing happened, na-satisfy ko lang uli ang aking" long-term chase" na masaya ako na hanggang dun nalang... sometimes talaga yung chase lang ang exciting at ayaw mo nang makuha ang hinahabol mo dahil boring na pag nakuha mo na ang gusto mo... gago ko noh!

Just got the result of our english play na ako ang nag-direct, ok naman ang kinalabasan... last lang naman kami, hehehehe! Wala akong ma-react, I'm not mad or anything, parang nanghihina lang, pero ganun talaga eh, tinalo kami ng fergylicious, castle na gawa sa monoblock, at play na TUGSH ang sound pag ginagamit ang sword (I've learned my lessons mystical chenes... and it's time to get back on my feet and start anew... if you know what i mean... bwahahahahha)

masaya parin naman ang buhay ko, super bonding with classmates, spending time with old and new friends... hindi pa naman ako na-dedepress amidst sa mga pangyayari, baka bangag pa kasi ako siguro... haay... phlegmatic!

Finals week na namin ngayon, ang I still have four exams to take tapos ok na... some of my classmates are planning to go sa Enchanted Kingdom on Thursday kaya super excited na ko, tapos puwerto kami sa bakasyon, tapos may gimik pa ata kami nila mingu, tapos... tapos... haay! saya!

FUNNY HOW A LOT CHANGED OVER THE MONTHS, AND SOME STILL DIDN'T CHANGE!

BULACAN AND OTHER STORIES

2007-09-22T17:27:00.000+08:00

Pinili kong tumakas muna sandali, tumakas sa halimaw na ako ang gumawa.

Hindi pa ko handang humarap, marahil sa takot, sa takot na ako'y masiklaban ng kanyang pwersa... pwersa na ako din naman ang-nagdulot...

"wala na kong magawa, kung may nagawa lang ako sana..."

Saturday was one hell of a day...

Everything was running smoothly in the morning, i clocked-out early from work, took a first-time independent trip to Monumento, met up with Kuya Wilmar for a tapets thing in Bulacan,

so-so and so-so...

But then dark clouds covered the blue sky as I enter Bulacan...

Nag-shower ako sa malakas na ulan na welcome sakin ng bulacan,
Pauwi ay may pahabol na isang bagsakang ulan bilang pagpapaalam,
Pinaglakad pa ko sa isang tulay over NLEX na puro truck at bus ang dumadaan, para lang makaabot sa tamang sakayan...

Dumagdag pa ang pagka-epekto ng iba kong mga responsibilidad...

Malagkit, basang-basa, tuyot ang lalamunan, nangangatog, naluluha...

Huli na ang lahat sa araw na yon... maaga pa lang ay nag-badya na ang Bulacan ng masamang pangitain... at nakita ko na nga,

hindi, pinikit ko nalang ang mata ko...

Natakot na ko, kailangan muna magliwaliw sandali...

wala pa kong nagagawa, walang mapanghawakan...
kung meron man, di parin sapat...

"kung ito talaga ang kapalaran ko, wala na kong magagawa..."

Hindi meron pa, siguro sa aking pagbabalik... pero kailangan ko munang tumakas... ng kahit saglit...

Bulacan will never be the same again...

BULACAN WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN...

"Kailangan ko ng huminga ng malalim para sa panibagong linggong paparating!"

Ang drama... osige na at makapag yosi nga muna ulit...

Bad Hair Day

2007-08-08T15:36:00.000+08:00

Well thanks to the crazy weather and my crazy money na all gone, I've been a taong-bahay for two days now. So that means being stuck with my mom, and my mom blabbing about when she'll be seeing the fruits of my labor. Not that she's asking for money or anything, it's because I still ask her for money that's why... Pasensiya naman at naubos ko na kasi eh, hehehe. Well I promise her and myself to pay back my utang, at siyempre magtipid.

So yun, badtrip sa bunganga ni momster at bored pa, kaya anong ginawa kong kagaguhan
para maibsan ang boredom... ayun ginupitan ko ang aking buhok... sabi nila kasi yung mga depressed girls daw nag-papaparlor. Kaya since wala na akong datung, ayun nag do-it-yourself parlor ako kaya yun, boloks! Nde pantay ang pag-gupit ko!

Mukha pang matino diyan dahil sa tamang angulo pero grr tlga... buti nalang matatali ko pa ng konte! Haay!

LESSON: Pag-isipan ng mabuti ang mga ginagawa, huwag padalos dalos!

Haay, these 2 days have been boring, kaya siguro naging crazy ang utak ko... maybe it's the weather, or maybe it's just me!

Pucha talaga!

The Coffee and Extrajos Breakdown

2007-07-25T07:13:00.000+08:00

No it was not a dream, it's the life I chose out of impulse. I was living a life for 17 years, then became 2 after a year, then plus 1, though I have to deduct one due to irreconcilable differences, so that's still 2, then plus 1 again after 2 years, so that's 3 already... Putang inang Math yan! And now, thanks for an increasing rate of impulse in my system, I have reached 4 Lives now, yep, I'm Living the quad-life nightmare for the last two weeks! Wait, or was it three weeks? Oh damn I lost track!

Haay, what happened?

I'm not a workaholic,
I'm a sloth for crying out loud... but I guess not anymore because now I can't stop moving!

I don't need money,
Well of course I want money, but not to the point of having a job just to maintain a lifestlye...

HAY MADERPAKER!

So now I have school, two theater organizations, and a job where I'm being enslaved by Americans... yup that's my quad-life!

It's not that I'm complaining... well actually I do! The woulda shoulda coulda behavior keeps on running in my head the moment i stop doing something... I already have two lives that divided my state of mind, and then there is school, and then this, a job as a call center agent!

Oh wait, I forgot a life... my personal life! Asan na nga ba siya? The life I should have been living for the last 19 years!

Breathe in, breathe out! Breathe in, breathe out!

I should get a life!

Haay, what the heck.. at least I'll earn money for the job. Nakaka-survive parin naman eh, kaya pang pag-kasyahin. Haay naku, kailangan kong panindigan ito, no quantity over quality, dapat pantay! Pero forgive me, kung I have occasional breakdowns to still survive in this life that I've created.

Well I'll give the job 6 months then if kaya pa edi go! pero if I can't do it anymore, then "Thank you for you time maam/sir, have a nice day! Goodbye!"

In short, Dispose the call to "do-not-call" list!

Oo, nialalamon na ako ng sistema, ang sistemang pinagtatawanan ko dati na ngayon ay sinasapian ko na! WAAAH!

Breathe in, breathe out! Breathe in, breathe out!

Makatulog na nga!

How to Eat Pan-handlers, Twains, and Askals

2007-06-27T13:47:00.000+08:00

Finally the day has ended, now I'm on my way home, dragging my dying ego with me. Yup, I'm starting to fucking lose it...

I guess being fat is not enough to oppress my existence, apparently I have other things to be used by other people in their quest to put me in total indignation.

Oh how lucky I am to be ridiculed by people,
Mocking me with my mistakes and accidental negative events that fate brought me to complicate my life, Oooh it's really a total bliss!

And yet, can I really blame them?

Can I blame them for being insecure as well?
Can I blame them for ridiculing people, the only thing that make them ease the pain somehow?
Can I blame them for living with failures, or at least that's what people have been saying to them (Yup, it got into their minds that's why they're in a mess),
Can I blame them for showing me that my life is as messy as theirs, yet I'm the only one who is just alone, with no one to accompany me, in this chaotic world of mine?

Can I really blame them, or I can only blame myself, for they're only just a slap-in-the-face mirror, a mirror free from subtlety, politics, and etiquettes. And I am just here; self-wracking in this post,not doing anything else, though I'm aware that this will help less in getting me into places...

I guess I am what they really say; I just can't accept it...

How I wish I could have lived ages ago, at least then I could blame the gods for feeling this way, for being this way... yet now is now, no time to fool myself, there is me, and there are those people, people that help reflect my sole existence...

Yup, I would like to thank all those people who have made me realized again that I'm a fatty, a failure, and all alone in this world... for the nth time.

Damn...

SELF-WRACKING PROCESS ALMOST COMPLETE

SELF-WRACKING WILL BE OVER IN 5 seconds

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Whoah! Sarap!

... Now what?

Ze Zsa-Zsa Zaturnnah Anti- Deprezzant Pillz

2007-06-17T17:48:00.000+08:00

What happened last night was a nice "taking-my-mind-off-the-usual-things" kind of thing, thanks to the night; it gave me time to refresh and to stop thinking about stress-stimulating things even for just a second.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT
So after my classes, Yup I was wearing a uniform, I went straight to meeting up with some of my CMT-workshop friends and went out to see Zsa-Zsa Zaturnnah Ze Muzical at the RCBC plaza auditorium last night. It was Sir Vince de Jesus, our workshop facilitator last summer, who invited us to see the play since he was playing Ada, and is also the composer and the musical director of the play (Kaya siyempre all out support ang mga gaga).

Well the play was one hell of a show, it cost my secret benefactor (In short, inutangan) 500 bucks for me to watch this play, and I'm glad the pangungutang was worth it. K Brosas who was playing Zsa-zsa was funny, the one who played Didi was hilarious (17 palang c ate at umaariba na), and the one who played Dodong was really hot. Oh I just love the lighting, and the way they maximize their one set to the different scenes. The play was a real non-stop entertainment, though it still has its downside such as the technical problems that you really can't avoid sometimes, but good thing the actors know how to adlib.

CAMP ZATURNNAH
The Zsa-zsa Zaturnnah peeps mention something about the term "camp" as the way the plot of the story wass treated. "Camp", meaning that it is shown in an exag, conciously fake and artificial, but amusing and funny way (Tama ba,? basta yun!). Infairness, I commend Zsa-zsa for their successful attempt be an entertaining campy play (Sabi nga nila, hindi daw cla Kitschy katulad ng super booba).

THE AFTER PARTY
So after the play, we went to starbucks for a chit-chat over coffee, it was a chit-chat for me since they were all conversing in english, hehehe. Then later, Tey and Suburn invited me to pig-out at Something Fishy in Eastwood, a resto that serves eat-all-you can buffet. So yeah, basically I went to eastwood on a saturday night, wearing a school uniform that barely fits me! Good thing I'm with two nice people to ease the pain, oh these two! So cool to talk to about anything especially films and music(Nanlibre pa ng food!).

CURTAIN!
So there, that was what happened last night, I really had fun; it’s really nice to take your mind off the usual things once in a while to recreate yourself again. Sad, that it's all over for the meantime, got to go back to the banging-your-head-on- -the-wall world, and do the stress-stimulating things again to survive. But I guess, that’s still ok with me, as grey said before, "It's nice to keep on banging your head on the wall sometimes, coz it feels so good when you stop,"

... Now did she really say that? I don't know, oh maybe something like that!

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON CARS OR FEET

2007-06-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

They are all getting nearer to where they are going...
I used to be one of them...
that or the one who is running beside them, having more chances of getting on the finish line first...

Yet now, I can only be the humps along the way...
Yeah I totally blew it...

Or maybe I'm just running on a different race now...
but since I still want to be on this other race...
I feel like i'm losing both

I can't have a cake and eat it too...
But I can try...
Selfish piece of shit!

Or maybe the race hasn't even started yet...

Ok.. I'm totally losing it!

Oh well, what the fuck!

Let the games begin...
or just end it already!

HINIHINGAL NA KAHIT HINDI PA NAGSISIMULA

2007-05-19T23:36:00.000+08:00

Hindi na puwede na lagi kang suwerte
Na umaayon ang mga cosmos sa mga gusto mo
Na makakalusot ka sa mga problemang pinapasok mo
Maaring hindi ka malas ngayon
Pero maaring huling suwerte na yang dinaranas mo ngayon

Kailangan ng bumawe,
Pagtrabahuhan ang mga tulong na pinagkakaloob sayo
Patunayan na kahit madali mo silang nakuha,
Hindi madaling bawiin sayo ito
Patunayan na karapat-dapat kang makaranas ng kung anong meron ka ngayon

Hindi yata ganun kadali ang mga bagay
At hindi pa natatapos ang mga bagay ng ganun ganun lang

Maaring nakalusot ka ngayon at sinuwerte
Pero may pag-asang magkaleche-leche ang lahat

Kaya umayos kang hungkag ka!
Huwag umasa, mag-trabaho
Plantsahin ang mga pagkakamali at mga maaring maging mali
Huwag ng sumalalay sa mga cosmos, walang nakaka-alam kung kelan uli sila mag-tra-trabaho...

Marahil hindi mo alam ang maaring ihatid ng bukas sayo,
Pero hawak mo ang ngayon... ikaw lang...

Kaya go!

UMUULAN! BUMABAGYO!

2007-05-18T22:20:00.001+08:00

UPDATE MUNA:
Masaya ang Creative Musical Theater Workshop...
Apprentice na ko ngayon sa youth group ng PETA, na ang ibig sabihin ay magkaka-workshop ako muli. Kailan? Simula bukas hanggang sa June 1...
Napili rin pala ako ng AA dati pa na sumama sa isang leadership training, excited pa nga ko then eh, kailan magaganap yun? sa May 28 hanggang May 30 lang naman, ibig sabihin ay mag-iinterfere siya sa workshop ko...

NABABALIW NA KO!

Bat pa kasi when it rain, it pours?
Sabay-sabay nga dumarating ang mga biyaya, pero ang masaklap pa dun eh parang kailangan pang mamili... at ang mas masaklap pa dun ay kahit may gusto kang piliin, di mo naman puwedeng iwanan yung isa dahil umaasa ang mga tao na gagawin mo yun, ikaw kasi ang napili sa gawaing yun, tinrabaho mo yun noon para makuha mo, kaya wala ng bawian (Unless na bitawan mo yun, at mawalan ka ng krebilidad bilang normal na tao)!

Hay, ang sakit sa ulo...

So ano na nga ba? Ang risk na maglaho ang PETA dreams ko at pumunta sa Leadership Training na aking prior commitment, na siya rin namang magagamit ko din sa future at sa aking self-preservation, o ang mag-go sa new and fresh sa buhay ko na PETA, at hindi sumipot sa LT, with matching bad name na ko sa mga tao in my incumbent social and working environment, with a twist of social suicide pa...

Siyempre yung unang statement ang pipiliin ko... sad pero ganun eh, masakit pero kailangan i-take ang risk, just have to take responsibility sa aking actions... loko ko kasi eh!

Pero di niyo naman ako masisisi diba?

Haay... sabi ko nga kay gab, may mga bagay siguro na para sakin, at may mga bagay na di rin talaga puwede, pero what matters the most eh sinubukan mo parin...

Shit! Let’s just see what happens next... bahala na si mystical chenes!

Sana this time, walang mawala, walang kailangan piliin, nakaayos lang ang lahat... haay... DREAM ON!

Oo, I'll dream on... sige... hinga na ng malalalim para bukas... HAAAY!

Her shoes don't fit anymore...

2007-05-02T12:21:00.000+08:00

It was not easy...

Trying to come up with an understanding feeling to a person whom you expect a lot from

Trying to delineate what went wrong to a friend whom you've thought is different from the others

She grew up in a perfect family for crying out loud, and she has lived by to what her family taught her... well, used to...

Then suddenly, he came...

Shattering her, blocking her, blinding her,

It was not easy for her to change in just a snap... or maybe it was...

But it happened...

It wasn't easy for me either to turn over 180 to her... to digest that she's a totally different person now, compared before...

It wasn't easy really,

but I guess I have to accept it...

Funny how things can change so fast...

Easy how people can change...

Yet realizing that was not easy...

2007-04-22T20:17:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko na nasabi...

Marahil huli na ang lahat...

O hindi na talaga puedeng maumpisahan...

Siguro kailangan ko nalang mag-patuloy lumakad...

Iwasan ang mga senyas na mag-papaligaw sakin papunta sayo...

At tumungo nalang sa lugar na puwede kong makalimutan ang lahat...

Tang ina mo ka kasi eh, huhuhu!

Haay...

Wala lang, bigla ko lang ito naisip ng walang basis, weird!

CURACHA

2007-04-22T19:23:00.000+08:00

It has been a heavenly hell week for me! Nakakapagod pero go lang ako ng go!

SCHEDULE tuwing weekdays

8:30AM
Gising sa umaga

9:30AM
Alis ng bahay

11:00AM
Dating ng school, start ng classes

3:00PM
Tapos ng class

3:10-4:45 PM
Lunch, tambay, and all that jazz

5:00PM
Punta na ng PETA

5:30PM
Dating sa PETA

6:00PM-10:00PM
PETA Workshop

12:00AM
Dating bahay (Pwede pang maging late yan due to cirumstances like eating out or tambay with PETA people o with other friends)

8:30AM
Gising sa umaga

So on and so forth... wohoo!

Buhay pa naman ako sa awa ng mystical chenes, may mga gising sa umaga na gusto ko ng sumuko sa pagod, pero hindi! Dahil masaya naman ako, busy pero sobra sa ok pare! Ok ang performance ko sa iskwelahan at ok din naman ako sa aking edukasyon sa teatro!

Masaya ang PETA workshop, iba-iba ang aming mga pinanggalingan pero nag-jajive kaming lahat; mapa sosyal pa yan, probinsiyano, modelo, corporate people, seminarista, mahilig sa theatre, sabog ang boses o mga anghel ang tinig, first-timers, o mga sariwang bata, ay talaga namang lahat ay mga balahura at open for new possibilites na sama-sama naming aakapin. Sa 5 days naming pagsasama ay may bonding na, pero alam kong marami pang oras para maipakita ang aming mga tunay na kulay, pero sana naman ay maging ok ang lahat!

Nakakatuwa dahil the workshop becomes a venue for us to unleash our capabilities na meron pala kami... sobrang laking pasasalamat ko talaga sa mga classmates ko sa worksSop at sa aming mga facilitators na sobrang ayos ang learning experience na ito!

Wish ko lang pumayat ako sa ka-busyhan na ginagawa ko ngayon...

Ay may quiz pala ako bukas, cge at yun lang!

Kailangan ko ng huminga ng malalim para sa panibagong linggong paparating!

Wohoo!

UPDATE

2007-04-15T21:02:00.000+08:00

Just a few more hours to go and my bumming days are officially over...

Oh yes, I'll be going back to school tomorrow for my summer classes(Thanks to my katamaran), and I'll be having a musical theatre workshop as well. Parehong weekdays magaganap ang ka-busyhan na yun; morning yung school, gabi naman ung workshop. O sosyal diba... estudyante sa umaga, artista sa gabi!

Well excited na ko kahit papaano sa mga puwedeng mangyari sa buhay ko sa mga susunod na araw, kahit parang nakakatamad, ok na rin toh para naman may mangyari sa buhay ko na matino. Sana lang talaga may bagong mangyari para di na ko mag-linger sa mga depressing cheverlu na naiisip ko these passed few days... I mean, I'm just so sad, not depressed naman, just depressing... huhuhuhu! Wah... Di na ko mag-kukuwento, ina-update ko lang itong blog ko...

Oo nga pala, dagdag lang! I just wrote a teeny-bopper song kanina... wala lang, nag-warm-up lang ako para sa workshop dahil may composing chever dun. Tinry ko lang gamitin uli ang "Literaray depiction" skills ko (Noh kuya xi?) para hindi masyadong mangalawang... Alam kong kadiri ang teen- booper songs pero i guess you have to start from somewhere, kahit sa pusali pa manggaling, hehehe! Sa susunod ko nalang ipopost yung kanta!

Basta, I have to get back on my feet! Make this summer classes at workshop worthwhile and a venue to make myself up din (As always)...

Let's just see... bwahahahahahaha!

Ka- DIARYhan

2007-03-28T11:43:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Punyetang virus yan at kinain lahat ng files ko...

Lahat ng mga sinulat ko at ginawa kong kalandian, simula nung teeny bopper ako at poser hanggang sa feelingerong mature na ako at poser parin, ay wala na, nilamon na ng virus na yan na walang magawa sa buhay kungdi pakielamanan ang mga taong wala na mang ginagawa sa kanila... nananahimik tapos biglang gagambalain, mang-iiwan pa ng pakiramdam na talagang nakakasabaw sa utak, grrr(Virus parin ba tinutukoy ko?)!

Wala pa akong maramdaman, baka mararamdaman ko palang ang sakit ng pagkawala makalipas ng ilang panahon pa... pag hinahanap ko na siguro siya, pag napapansin ko nang may kakaiba na sa mga bagay na nakasanayan ko... yun na yun siguro... pucha talaga!

At ngayon, matapos ang mga viruses at mga pantasyang dissapointing, magkikita kami mamaya ng unang nag may-ari ng dissapointing na pantasya, hindi ko na alam kung anong mangyayari, pero siguradong kailangan kong buksan ang aking baol para humanap ng maskara...

pero till then...

Makikinig muna ako ng mga 80's music na nagbibigay ilusyon na nasa ibang panahon ako, at na pwede kong takasan ang mga nangyayari sakin ngayon...

To the virus who slaughtered my precious works of art,

To The dissapointing fantasy, and to the person who fisrt owned him

To Ming-ming, our buraot pussy cat who just experienced a bloodbath thanks to Dogo and Camry

May you all rest into pieces...

BUTTS

2007-03-25T00:05:00.000+08:00

It wasn't love all this time.. but it was just curiosity that brought me here

And now..

I won't go back...

I won't push through...

But I will go on...

yet now with this...

but with the other things that curiosity will bring me...

though this time...

I'll bring rationality with me...

I can't get no satisfaction

2007-03-24T21:47:00.000+08:00

I wrote this on March 19 of last year...

"Fantasies were never intended to be unleashed

They were only meant for the bounds of the mind

Where only you, holds the key to perfection

Where what others perceptions are not needed

Where you are not restricted, not punished, not given consequences

Maybe that’s why fantasies only stay on the frontiers of the brain

For it will never happen beyond where it resides

P.S. This think piece is for my fantasy

My heaven within, but my hell beyond

The perfect guy when resided in my mind

the man of my dreams

My desire and my love here within the boundaries of my soul that only I know of

For you are only scraps outside the world of reality..."

And now...

Thanks to fucking curiosity,

My fantasies were unleashed and got through the realm of reality

Yes it happened,

the man of my dreams and the scraps of reality... becoming one

oh yes...

REACTIONS

It wasn't perfect,
it wasn't dreamy or real

It's just an event that seems to be between dreaming and waking up,
or between drinking a lot of alcohol and throwing up... something in between...

I can't delineate

It felt good,
but it wasn't satisfying...

not really that bad,
just not what I expect it to be...

I guess the chase is over, the dream is over,
I guess it's just the chase all this time... or just the dreams

Fantasies were really never intended to be unleashed

They were only meant for the bounds of the mind

for in fantasies, I hold the key to perfection

And here in reality,

I wake up and realize that it's all just a dream,

that once you've realized your dreams, it can never be dreamt again...

or that it's just a one-time thing,

something that will never happen again...

or just something different

Maybe I was right... maybe I was right before...

Not that I was meant to be alone...

But maybe I'm the only one who can please myself...

O baka wala pa talaga...
there was just no love involved,
no assurances
no mutual feelings
none of that dreamy eklavu...

that I thought we had...

or maybe he's right,

I'm thinking too much...

That's what's wrong in expecting, you get disappointed...

Haay ewan...
Marami nga talaga akong iniisip...lalong sumasakit ulo ko...

The chase is over... the search to satisfy that curiousity has finally ended.... it didn't end in a bang or anything, nor it was completely finished, but I just have to stop this before I get to more complications. Though I think I got into one complication already, there's no turning back anymore, no regrets to ponder on for I did it by choice, and though it's a stupid thing to do... I had fun in a way and I guess it was something... kaya ngayon, bago pa humantong ang mga bagay sa mas malalang bagay, itatapos ko na... tapos na talaga... ayoko na... Sana... hindi... hindi sana... talaga!

Ok na toh... na-ilabas na...

Yosi na nga muna...

DREAMS

2007-01-19T13:42:00.000+08:00

I was sleeping when you came into the realms of my unconsciousness. I can't stop it from happening, or maybe I just didn't want to... after centuries of waiting for something to happen between us, finally it happened, but I just don't know if I still want it.

Or maybe I still do, I'm confused. It was a lucid dream, where I have in my hands if I should continue the dream or not, well I let it happen, perhaps someone could find an answer somewhere there.

I don't want to spill more details, I rather let those details stay within me...

I used to stare at you while you were sleeping, and now I got tired and decided to fall asleep too, maybe it's better this way, my eyes closed, sleeping in the depths of my mind, where my fantasies of you reside, maybe it's better this way, something happening between us, even only in my dreams...

Than waking up, and seeing both of us in a nightmare called reality...

OH THE HUMANITY: Selfish jerks

2006-12-18T09:23:00.000+08:00

Alright, so I fucking like her ok?

There I said it... Are you happy now?

Yeah, I'm sick and tired of keeping this clogged up in me for a while now... and damn you are lucky because you were the first one to know this fucking thing... and I'm telling you, hiding it was not easy, yet I'm kinda proud of it coz it was like the longest time I kept something in me, but now I'm saying it to you, not because you are like the closest friend that I have, or all that qualities sissies say, but it's because my mouth just can't take it anymore, she just needs to blab it out, now!

Anyway, it's not about me, it's her. I mean why did she choose him over me? I mean I think we connect; we share a lot of ideas, especially the radical ones, hehehe... now that's what I like about her the most man, the way she talks so ideal and weird, the way she bugs me but at the same time amuses me, damn I'm so falling for her... but why the fuck did she choose him? That pretty boy piece of shit, so sweet, so caring, so nonsense, and so... well fuck him! I mean, are those things what the chicks really want these days, I mean I could be like that, it's just not my obvious personality as of the moment but I am capable of showing it... and besides, that guy's image won't last long, it will soon fade, and nothing will be left... unlike when she goes to me, we can still have best conversations when the mushy stuffs are finally turned off... well I can't really say that... I don't know anything about that relationship stuff... hey you shut up!

Are all girls like that? Just looking for the typical boys around there and avoiding guys like me who really make sense? Oh yeah, I forgot... It's because I'm ugly... yeah how can I forget? Just a guy who can be fun talking to, just a friend, but will never be like him, a hunk with the biggest... Damn, I just know I have something more to give than him. Well too bad, she loves him and not me...

Why do I need love anyway, I mean why do I need her? I already have her as a friend, why can't I be contented with that? We are fun being friends, why can't I just leave it like that?

I just remembered what my boy bud said when I asked him why he's falling in-love with his best friend and wants to be more than just friends, he said, "I mean, we're good as best friends and all, but something is missing, like there should be more, I dunno...intimacy?" Now Intimacy, yeah, that's one of the main reasons why people engage in romantic relationships right? They are so in love with intimacy and all that body warmth. Why do we need intimacy anyway? Can't we be contented with our friends, talking stuff, hanging out with them, having fun...? I mean we can also hug them and all if we want intimacy; we can also kiss them if we want to... but I guess the kissing part will just wait, but the girls are into it. What I really mean is we can do things to our friends that we also do to our girlfriends, and at least in being friends, relationship spans are less risky. So what's the fucking reason why we want "lovey" relationships then, why do I and other people as well are so into this "lovey" relationship crap?

Hmmm... now that's it! It all boils down to the fucking sense of ownership shit... yeah, the selfishness that man innately has! We want "lovey" relationships with someone because in that relationship, there's exclusivity, there is possession for one another, you can fucking have her for yourself. Of course being friends is not enough, because that would mean sharing with the others, unlike when you finally become girlfriends and boyfriends, the possession will be one level up higher, your exclusive for one another, you are tied, you can fuck each other for all we care. Yeah, Fuck you selfish, insecure motherfuckers! Oh yeah, I forgot I'm one of them.

So now what?

Well, after saying all those nasty things, I have to ask myself, "Have I put something into light?" and then I'll answer, "Shit no!" In conclusion, clearing up things a little didn't do any help in the scenario... I'm still into her, she's still into him, he's still has the biggest… well let's just leave it like that... and we humans are possessive jerks all this time ... so that leaves me to... me, being alone, talking to myself, acting as if I'm a guy (As if guys think this way, hehe), and almost done writing the fuckiest bitter frustrating love rant a fat girl can write.

END

Mga Multo sa Bintana ng Kamalayan ni Jaime

2006-10-15T17:12:00.000+08:00

WANTED: EDITOR FOR J-MEE'S WORKS THAT NEED GRAMMATICAL CORRECTIONS

It was 2am I guess, I was lying on the bed, inside a dark room where a pink silk covered flourecent lamp was the only source of light. I was about to sleep, but damn I can't sleep, a lot of blurry things that I can't delineate were running in my head, so i just decided to lie down with my eyes open until somnolence triggers. Minutes later, finally my eyes were starting to get tired, and my body's exhaustion from a day of bonding, lies, backstabbing, and intoxication starts to kick in, so I closed my eyes and began to count sheeps.

The moment I shut my eyes, the entire room was suddenly filled by a dark aura. I didn't know why it happen, was it caused by my chat earlier with my bro and friends about supernatural things? I don't know. I started to feel heavy and eerie, and though curiousity was running in the back of my mind, I still can't open my eyes for I don't wan't to see something creepy alone. I began to imagine things while my eyes were closed, black spots that my brother told me about earlier that day, entities that are nothing but energies that only our conciousness can make a figure out of it, creepy cats that can see supernatural things, and something in human form sneaking through the window from the outside.

After a shortwhile of seems like an endless suffering, Curiousity finally won, and I've realized that Imagination with eyes closed is creepier than I thought...

I opened my eyes and looked around the room, I didn't see any supernatural thing, but I did see something...

I saw myself...

Scared,
afraid of the things that I don't know,

Confused,
trying to fit things in the wrong boxes to give myself an illusion of peace of mind,

Realized,
that I can't see no complete light, but just a shed of glint with dark spots that I've chosen to stay with me

Blinded,
still hoping for cats to help me see, when all this time, I have eyes that I myself have blindfolded

I saw myself, looking through the window, seeing my present self, crawling in the dark, looking for keys to unlock the door of the room, the dark room where I've imprisoned myself...

And then I woke up, it was already 1:30pm...

Chained by a Fat and Lazy Chicken

2006-10-08T09:12:00.000+08:00

I'm stuck again, restricted myself to what they fucking dictate

Restrained by my prison-like body and mind...

Succumbed myself to what others think that is good for them rather than what I think is good for me

Screaming with envy within, for they are gifted with luck without even giving any effort

Or I'm just really that unlucky...

Should I really continue to be selfless and hindered,
Continue to live with illusions and occasionally escape through cheap getaways just to get by...

I guess they are happy, but am i?

I can never be happy for something that can never bring me any betterment (nde naman siguro never)...

Shit...

And all i can do is to write this entry to ease the pain a little...

It's not about love anymore
But everything...
how I restrict myself
to the things that I want to do
and to the person that I want to be with,
And how I'm so lazy to put away pain
that I chose to live with it

Oh well!

A Blessed Hell of a Movie

2006-10-07T19:20:00.000+08:00

I was performing the Art of Flipping Channels on the television this morning (Yun, naghahanap ng mapapanood sa wakas, after weeks of not having my eyes and brain be normally exposed sa idiot box) when I came across with this mexican(or spanish) movie sa cinema one, sakto at kakaumpisa pa lang... The title of the movie is BENDITO INFIERNO (talagang niresearch ko ang titile sa internet para malaman ko).

The story is about 2 angels(one from heaven and the other from hell) na nag-aagawan sa isang kaluluwa ng isang boxer na maaring makapagbago ng ikot sa mundo ng kalangitan at impyerno.

With an unusual cinematography(kung yun ung tawag sa mga pagkakakuha ng shots, transitions na mga ito, at ung mga kulay na ginamit sa film), Gael Garcia Bernal starring on it, and an out of the usual plot and perception about angels and demons, and heaven and hell, ang kulit talga kahit tagelized ung version na napanood ko. You've got to watch the film, nakakaaliw, damn I can't wait to buy a dvd of this flick.

Oh i miss watching films like these...

So ayun, sige... yun nlng muna ang aking maibabahagi sa post na ito, masyado lang ako natuwa sa film na ito na kailangan ko talga gumawa ng post tungkol dito, hehehe!

DELIRYO

2006-09-24T12:41:00.000+08:00

Ewan... Malay... Andyan ba?... Nasaan?

" 'Di mo lang alam
Naiiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
'Di mo lang alam
Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli"
-Oo, Up Dharma down

Bakit ka pa kasi nagbadyang magpapakita ng pagmamahal
Umasa na tuloy ako na iyon ay matutupad
At ngayon, Ako'y naiwang bitin at naiinip
Kakaantay sa pakiramdam na akala ko'y kaya mong ibatid

Pero asan ka na ngayon
Nawawala, at maaring mawawala na ng tuluyan
Dala pa ang puso ko ng hindi mo man lang namamalayan
Sana hindi mo nalang ako napansin, at hindi rin kita pinansin

"Di mo lang alam
O, ika'y minamasdan
Sana iyo'y mamalayang di mo lang pala alam
Oooooooo"-Oo, Up Dharma down

Mga Bulong na ako'y iyong ninanais
Asan na ang mga iyon
Nilipad na ba sila ng hangin
O baka mali lang pala ang mga binulong sakin ng hangin?

Ok... got those right off my system...
now I'm awake...out of those kind of dreams...

haaay... I hope...

ZzZzZ...

FOR CORPSE

2006-09-11T00:23:00.000+08:00

These are all assumptions to delineate a blurry feeling I got when you did something to me that I can't remember(Or maybe I just don't want to)...

I guess I'm not really sure but I think it's happening, oh yes I'm getting those shivers again. I was victimized once again by my own crave and boredom, my heart is starting to malfunction again, and my ill heart chose you to be its source of health and death.

Don't worry, you wouldn't notice it that much, you wouldn't feel anything either. I'm used to this one-way thing, and I think you'll understand because you feel the same way to someone else.

Yeah, that would be nice. I'll cry for you, you'll cry for her, we'll both cry(Atleast we have something in common). But hey, maybe you and her really deserve each other that you don't need to cry anymore, and you wouldn't even notice this thing I feel for you, and even if you will, it wouldn't matter to you anymore(I guess it will never matter to you).

No... not really...

Haay...

Wake me up when September ends...

Maybe then this feeling will magically disappear...

Hai-hai and Mei-mei

2006-08-06T20:37:00.000+08:00

*Takes off a part of the mask*

She gasps for breath, her heart is beating hard, she can't take it anymore, and she has to do this or unless she'll explode...

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

The banging stops.

My Mei-Mei

She never cared at all, or maybe she's trying to act like one, but I never really noticed her giving some effort to connect, except for some circumstances where I could see in her eyes something different, or when she accidentally spurt out little words or actions that show either a sneaky gesture of care or a hint of her vulnerability. Those accidental moments, she always thinks of it as mistakes and were never like her, but we both know that those were parts of her, pieces of her that hides beneath her limbs, her heart.

Something happened and I never knew what it was, or maybe I just don't want to tell you, but I know that she wants to do something as a response to that occurrence, perhaps letting something out.

The Act

She knows she has to do this or else the feeling will forever clog up inside her. But if she has to do it, She has do it in some place, a place where she will be alone, no eyes on her, no screaming silence, no people like me and you, just a place where she could take off a part of her mask.

So she goes inside an empty white room, no other colors, no anything. She gets a black crayon that she hid in her tangled tresses a while ago, and starts to write something on the wall...

Then someone knocks on the door,

she stops writing.

The knock is loud, hard, and continuous, she gets confused whether to continue writing or not. The knock becomes louder; it's starting to be a bang and not a knock. Mei-mei starts sweating, the feeling is starting to clog up inside her again, she begins to gasp for breath, her heart starts to beat hard, she can't take it anymore...

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

The knocking stops.

While panting, She starts to write again on the wall.

DOT...DOT...DOT...

Minutes later, she's done writing. She puts the chunk of crayon back in her tangled tresses again, then she sits on one corner, and started crying. After a while, she wipes her face with her shirt and then she inhales for air, the inhale was so deep that when she exhales, a smile of relief is seen in her eyes. She goes to the door, holds the door knob, looks back on the writings on the wall for the last time, then leaves the room.

"So how was the room?"

"Very rejuvenating"

"Hehehehe!"

"I should do this again sometime"

"I guess we all deserve to do this kind of thing once in a while..."

"Too bad it's forbidden"

"I guess it's ok to rebel sometimes, don't you think?"

"Yeah..."

"So what happened?"

"I guess I don't need to tell you anymore…"

"Gaga, o sige, tara na nga."

"Ok..."

We may never know what the writings were, but I guess it doesn't matter at all. No matter how selfish, emotional, or shallow the writings may be, it's Mei-mei's way of expressing the real her even for just a short while. I guess we all need this kind of thing, you know, expressing oursleves once in a while, but sadly it has to be done alone, away from the ways of the world where we live, far form the beings we're living with, out from the usual air we breathe in, and distant from the sea where we float like a cannonball.

*And the mask on the face was whole again*

...

KABANGAGERS: Kapuyatan, Katamaran, Kapaguran, at ang Kamalayan ng isang bata sa pulitika

2006-07-30T19:57:00.000+08:00

Alas-otso na ng gabi at hindi pa ko naliligo... siguro bukas ng umaga nalang dahil tinatamad na ako.

Hapon na ako nagising dahil sa puyat, madaling araw na kasi ako naka-uwi galing sa isang inuman na bayad sakin ng kuya ko sa aking pag-tupi ng kanyang mga maruming shirts, pantalon, at brief sa kanyang apartment.

Mag-aaral dapat ako ngayon sa math dahil mukhang mababagsak ko na ang asignaturang iyon, sana magawa ko iyon pagkatapos ko gawin itong blog na ito at bago ako tamarin muli.

Yun, wala lang...

Bilang pag-tatapos ng isang walang kabuluhang post, iiwan ko sainyo ang isang mukhang may sense na storya na napulot ko sa blog ng ka-gy ko na si ate len (o ayan, nag-site ako ng source, baka kasi sabihan akong plagiarist eh), maaring wala itong koneksyon sa nauna kong nasulat pero natuwa ako dito kaya wala na kayong magagawa...

A young boy goes to his father and asks " What is politics?'

Dad says " Well son, let me explain it this way.... I am the breadwinner of the house, so lets call me Capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of you, so let 's call you the People. And the Nanny, well she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll call her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the boy thinks about it as he is falling asleep.

In the night, he hears his baby bother crying, so he gets up to see what's wrong. He finds the baby has severely soiled his diaper.So he goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to disturb her, he goes to the nanny's room, but the door is locked. Peeping through the key hole, he sees his father in bed with the nanny, so he gives up and goes back to bed.

Next morning he tells his father he thinks he understands the concept of politics." Really?" says his dad,surprised!! " that was quick. Tell me, in your own words what do you think politics is all about."

The young boy replies " Well, while Capitalism is screwing the WorkingClass, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!!".

Tama na! Gumising na! Makibaka! Huwag Matakot!

Multiple Choice

2006-07-26T20:53:00.000+08:00

FRIEND:_____

A. Commodity
B. User
C. You have it to avoid loneliness
D. Or to guide you in life
E. No such thing
F. For Political chuvanez
G. Term used for people you tap in order to be on top (tap... top, leche!)
H. Gift of god
I. Making your life worth living
J. Someone that I need right now

May gusto pa ba kayong idagdag sa choices? Lagay niyo lang sa comments...

Coffee with vanille tee

2006-07-24T11:12:00.000+08:00

Is it the house, or is it just me?
Oh I miss the comfort, tranquility, and brightness that I felt inside the house
Like everything is starting to make sense
That the house has opened new doors for new paths that could be searched for answers
I don't know
It's like I've found out something I was looking for

But funny when I went out of that house
Everything starts to be complicated again
Unclear, frustrating, and senseless
Like I was just hypnotized by the place
That the house had just created an illusion of comfort, tranquility, and brightness

I don't know

Basta I felt good when I was in the house... para akong na-refreshed, parang gusto ko na
nga talagang maging katulong doon eh... Ok na rin siguro kung illusion lang talaga ung mga naramdaman ko sa bahay na yun, ang sarap eh.

Summation
The weekend was like five days, packed with Baybayin cards, Inter.act, Kiki, Sir Bong, My Past life: Celtic Babaylan, Basang basa sa ulan, Kape, drums, energy, conciousness, space, comfort, AA, at marami pang iba....

Sa uulitin...

Haay... want some more of that coffee!!!
Klase ng kape na kailangan matikman kahit paminsan-minsan
Para naman mailayo lang ako kahit saglit sa mga kape na kungdi ordinaryo at nakakasawa,
ay masarap pero mahal, o kaya mura pero mapait...

Isang gabi habang pauwi galing sa tindahan

2006-07-13T11:10:00.000+08:00

Gumagapang ang anino sa daan, kasing bilis ng isang taong matabang nag-lalakad. Ang anino ay napatigil, napalingon sa kanyang likod, napatingala at nakita ang taong nagmamay-ari sa kanya...

Sa gabi't gabi ng aking buhay, Naging sagabal ang aking anino sa paglalakad ko sa daan, sa daan na puno ng lubak at mga putik na dumdikit sa aking mga binti, sa kalyeng madilim na may kaunting liwanag na ang tulong lamang ay ang makagawa ng aninong nanlilinlang na tinatatabunan niya ang mga butas, lubak, at putik ng daan, nag-papaisip na maayos ang daan kahit hindi naman talaga.

Malalaman lang ang iyong katangahan pag humakbang ka na
Sa aninong parang tinatakpan ang mga butas, lubak, at putik ng daan
Sa sarili na siya lamang ang lumilinlang at sumasagabl sa kanyang sarili
Papunta sa daan patungo sa maliwanag na paroroonan...

Pero meron nga ba talagang kaliwanagan ang lahat ng ito?

Magulo talaga, pucha yang aninong yan!

The Orange Light

2006-06-27T19:48:00.000+08:00

stop... go...
choose the wrong turn...
stop...
pollute...be intoxicated...
go...
fuck you...
stop...
eat...procrastinate...eat again...
go...
choose the wrong turn...bore yourself...
stop...
pollute... be sick... pollute again...
go...
fuck yourself...
stop...go...
procrastinate...
continue to eat your life out...
die...

OBSERVE HOW I FALL INTO PIECES

2006-06-14T20:39:00.000+08:00

I'm so exhausted, parang na-drain na lahat ang aking lakas. The desire to blog was just caused by my inability to sleep ( kahit inaantok na ko), and boredom.

It was my first day of school kanina and it was one tiring day, not because of the classes(dahil hindi ako umattend), pero dahil sa pag-rerecruit naming mga batchmates ko sa AA(my college's theatre org) ng mga bagong members. I thought it would be super fun at first to freak the hell out of the freshmen students on their first day as college students, pero as hours go by, and after maranasan ko ang iba't ibang reaction ng mga freshmen sa kabibohan at minsan, kabobohan namin(isang beses lang naman nangyari) sa paghihikayat ng members para sa aming org, naging fun nalang siya, nakakapagod talaga sobra, pero exciting parin(nasobrahan nga eh to the point na bigay lang kami ng bigay ng limited supply ng application forms). Oh well, Atleast I get to practice my acting skills again after ng aking flop na audition nung summer sa isang potential na raket.

Haay... I could still remember like it was yesterday, freshie din ako, hindi nag-karoon kaagad ng kaibigan dahil nasobrahan sa pagka-reserved, eventually nagkaroon din ng kaibigan na worth the wait naman pala, tapos sa wakas lalabas narin ang tunay na ugali, ang gagang jaime.
I never thought na in my first year of college, I've already joined a theatre org, acted in a play, become a member of a feminist group, met new people, discovered new things, found out that I could be a total bitch sometimes, oh the list could just go on and on kaya titigil na ko(yes, parang dear diary lang ng isang highschool student ah) . Wala lang, Since nag-rereminisce ang aking mga batchmates ng kanilang freshmen college days, ako din(pero tanggap ko na mas maayos parin sila mag-sulat)!

Well, Till next entry nalang at manonood uli ako ng casa blanca!

P.S. Kung trip niyo makinig ng mga chill out songs na tipong jazz na samba na naririnig mo sa mga coffee shops, Try niyo pankinggan ang bossa nova music, sarap pakinggan kahit medyo hindi mo maintindihan ang lyrics dahil kadalasan Portuguese, wala lang!

PAG- PASENSIYAHAN, BANGAG LANG SA PAGOD!

SIRANG CHUBIBO

2006-06-11T13:00:00.000+08:00

"Round and round we go...
who could've known it'd end so well?
We fall on and we fall off...
existential carousel."
- Circles, by Incubus

I'm in distress, stuck in the twilight
between my dreams and making them real
in this twilight I stand, alone and idle...
I need a call, a voice from you,
reaching me out, for us to be one
saving me, from ambiguity and stupor
removing me, from the place that brings me torment,
Here in the twilight zone, is where I stand now
stuck and in distress
alone and idle, waiting for you
to wake me up...

KAHATI

2006-06-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

Mga lalakeng nag-bigay sakin ng kaunting ligaya sa mga nakaw na saglit, Mga lalakeng hindi maaring maging akin, dahil kailanman ay walang pag-ibig na mag-uugnay...

Mga oras ay ibinahagi para sa pakiramdam na lahat kami ay nag-aasam, makaraos lamang habang hindi pa lumalapit ang matagal na hinahangad na kahati. Mga oras na yun, siya ring mga ala-ala, mga ala-alang kahati ko ang bawat isa sa kanila, Mga ala-alang walang kinabukasan.

Mga kahati ko sa sandali, siya ring kahati sa isang pagkakawangki, pagkakatulad na hindi ko maatim na maisip. O bakit ba kailangan ako pa ang hinirang ng kapalaaran na malasap ang ganitong pangyayari , para lang makaranas ng panandaliang ligaya.

Mga lalakeng aking nakasama sa mga nakaw na saglit, ang mga nag-patikim sakin ng ligaya. Mga kahati sa inumit na sandali, walang kabuluhan, walang patutunguhan, hindi maari. Kailanman ay hindi ako iibig sa kanila, pero kailangan ba talaga na ang mga lalakeng ito ay may mga puso na tila nananabik din sa kapwa nilang lalake?

Exaggerated na Hininakit ng isang vain na lechon

2006-06-05T20:30:00.001+08:00

Wag pansisin ang post na ito, kelangan ko lang ito ilabas!

Dahil sa insidenteng ito, naging least of my problems na ang back-stabbing problem ko at ang accusation sakin na bitter ako... hehe, wala lang!

Badtrip ang sunburn na ito...

I spend the whole day outdoors(Shit, ngayon ko lang napag-tanto na buong araw pla ako sa labas) without thinking na mamumula ako ng ganito... hindi naman sobrang sunog, sobra lang talaga ang diperensiya ng lower arms ko na laging exposed, sa upper part ng braso ko kung saan laging cover ng sleeves ng shirt ko. Malaki na nga ang braso ko, naging-lechon pa talaga ang itsura niya ngayon, nakaka-asar.

Oo nainitan ako kanina, pero hindi ko naman naramdaman ang penetration ng araw sa skin ko. Kaya pala sabi nila ang pula ng mukha ko, akala ko high blood lang. Sayang at nagpa-tan pa naman ko sa puerto para pantay ang kulay ng aking buong braso, wala rin plang kuwenta, grrr tlga!

Traydor ang araw ngayon,
sana katulad nalang siya ng dati
pinaparamdam agad sakin ang sakit at init dulot ng kanyang maapoy na pwersa,
pinapasilaw agad ako sa lakas ng liwanag ng kanyang mga sinag,
Tinraydor niya ko
Isa siyang Traydor... TRAYDOR!

So ngayon, biglang humapdi na ang aking balat sa elbow pababa, pati ang aking mukhang madungis at kulay lechon.

FYI: Wag niyong sabihin na swerte ako at namumula lang ako, at hindi halata dahil maputi ako. Excuse me, umiitim din ang mga mapuputi, at since mataba ako, mahirap magpantay ng kulay ng katawan.... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Uber landi this bobo orc ah!

Sige maliligo na ko, baka libag lang ito na mapula...

yuck sabi ni mama, mag-placenta soap daw ako...

hmmm...

KILLING BOREDOM

2006-06-04T19:53:00.000+08:00

You turn your back on people because you're scared that you might do mistakes again in front of their faces, scared that you might have disappointed them, lose them. You will really lose them alright, because of that hypocrite attitude of yours you will.

But then again, I guess you rather lose them than allow them to see the real you, the fucking vulnerable side of you, the evil within you, the perversity inside of you, the monster that you truly are.

I bet you still wouldn't dare to change a bit after this, it's because of that pride of yours, isn't it? Well screw you and your pride, you better take good care of it because unless you come to your senses for help, Pride is the only thing you'll have with you for the rest of your life.

Die bitch! I wish that hypocritical face of yours would be incinerated in hell until all that remains of you were nothing but ashes.

*Panting...

- The real you

WALA LANG... BORED...

Ngayon, pwede na ko gumawa ng chocolate dip para sa aking soda cracker... hehehe!

When Little Bathala goes Kaboom

2006-06-02T15:56:00.002+08:00

I see Pinoy culture as a culture rich with diversity and beauty. If only there are more references about our culture, and we will not mainly focus on the ideas that were brought to us by colonialism, more Filipinos or even foreigners will appreciate the richness of the culture that is soon to deteriorate if not given notice.

Hehehe... what am I saying here?

Well I just read an article about Bathala, maybe that's why I'm writing this post.

BAGONG KAALAMAN:
It's nice to know that anitos, pupularly known as small ancient wooden idols (o pangalan ng motel), were nilalangs appointed by Bathala to be ministers of earth, and that Bathala's main enemies are the lizard god, Bakonawa, who is ruler of Kasanaan (the Underworld), and his evil spawns of darkness, such as the aswang and the manananggal(dun pala nang-galing ang mga mananaggal na yun).

Nakakatuwa how one article about Bathala, a little information about the Filipino culture, can bring me such interest to find out more about the culture of our native land (what more pa kung madaragdaan ang aking kaalaman).

So what advantage will knowing about the declining Pinoy culture can bring me?

Perhaps a sense of identity from my native roots...

Para kasing madalang lang akong makakita ng mga bagay-bagay na sariling atin, dahil siguro hindi ito tinatangkilik at minsan ay nakakalimutan pa, kaya maaring sa pamamagitan ng pagka-karoon ko ng kaalaman sa kultura ng Pilipinas(pucha pati salitang pilipinas, hindi orig), maiibsan ang kakulungan ng pagkakakilala ko sa aking pagkapilipino.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing bumalik tayo sa dati nating kultura nung pre-hispanic times, mas ok lang sana kung ma-immerse tayo dito, i-appreciate natin ito, at i-treasure natin ito.

Wala lang... Bida-bida!

P.S. Sana sa susunod, kaya ko ng mag-tagalog ng diretso at maayos na rin ang spelling at grammar ko sa wikang ito noh?

One FLOPoccino please

2006-05-31T16:54:00.003+08:00

The application of all the things I've learned from my theatre organization were blocked by a sudden disorder of my nervous system. Every part of my body was cold and shaking, I can't feel the tip of my fingers anymore, I can't perform the things that i have to do, I can't think!

In short, I was a flop!

We went to Makati 2 days ago to meet with the DDB people (ad agency) about a skit we'll be doing in a product launch that they are going to produce . Luckily, I was chosen by our artistic director to participate in the said event. So there we are (the chosen ones), all relaxed and excited, looking forward to the talent fee they are going to give us, until...

Pucha, audition palang pala ito!

Everyone started panicking...

I hate auditioning, it's the scariest thing to do! If I knew right from the start that this would be an audition, I never would've come.

But it's too late, the only thing to do then was to audition and just get it over with!

So I went in to the conference room, went in front of the people in charged to judge me, with matching video cam to record my every lame move, and did the FLOPiest thing a girl like me could ever do.

It was surely an experience I'll never forget...

Now 2 days later it hit me, I've realized that life isn't really easy. Not everything is served on a silver platter, you just can't get things easily, you have to suffer before you succeed, you have to fail to learn how to win, and you should never let your fear take over you (So that took me two days huh).

There is really a difference between knowing things, and learning them...

I was a loser on this one(that's for sure), but look at the bright side, experience din ito na mapaghuhugutan ko ng lakas sa mga susunod kong mga pagsubok.

Cheka! Just making every experience, no matter how great or lame it is, educational!

Liver, Memory Lapses, and The Da Vinci code

2006-05-27T15:49:00.000+08:00

The results were negative!

Thank goodness I don't have hepatitis. It turns out that I was already vaccinated of anti hepa churva when I was a kid, kaya malabo-labo na kong magkaroon nun. Although I'm not ill, my fatty liver still needs to be aided for a month, So that includes loosing weight and taking liver suppliments for me (sana magawa ko na ang pag-dadiet ngayon or else). As for smoking, I can now live a day without it, although there are still urges, the addiction to nicotine has lessened compared before (tuloy-tuloy na sana ang pagiging social-smoker ko, hehe).

I've been experiencing memory lapses lately...

I've read that these memory lapses are normal to old people, and as far as i can remember, hindi pa ko gurang.

My late grandfather died of Alzheimer's Disease, I used to think that my brother might inherit it since he thinks a lot and all (does that make any sense?), but now I'm thinking that maybe I might get it, but I'm still young, it's too damn early!

I guess walking into a room and can't remember why you went there, or keeping on thinking about something so you wouldn't forget it but still forget it, are normal to most people. But it's better to take precautions before things get worse, so my mom and I decided that I should take a Neuro test one of these days.

Napapalagi na ko sa medical city, hehehe!

Napanood ko na rin ang THE DA VINCI CODE.

The movie has its flaws(I don't want to start) pero hindi naman siya panget. I'm not really that disapointed like the others, I know right from the start that book adaptations can never be 100% like the book, but just serve as a perception of some people in how they see the book, I respect the da vinci code movie makers' interpretation of the book, it was good (not great, but good). Pero siguro, kung hindi ko narinig ung mga criticisms ng mga tao sa movie na ito before ko siya panoorin, mas magagandahan ako siguro.

The problem with films adapted from books is that it bounds our perception to the book, unlike when we read the book, our imagination sets no boundaries in how we perceive the story visually. We can also understand the story better in books because we can take our time comprehending the story and can always read the previous pages again if we can't put a finger on something (duh, everybody knows that!). Wala lang, bida-bida lang!

So that's just about it,

Just udpdating myself to what has been happening to me lately...

till next entry...

A PROBABLE BOULDER IN THE LIVER (REVISED)

2006-05-19T23:26:00.001+08:00

"We suffer, not to succumb, but to survive."- TWM . . . have ot keep that in mind!

I just had a stick of yosi and a 20-peso worth of chuckie chocolate milk, Oo tama! chuckie nalang ang tinotoma ko ngayon at hindi na alcohol, at alam kong mabibitin ako sa isang stick ng yosi pero nagyosi parin ako(kaysa wla akong mahithit diba?).

Yosi at Chuckie, ang mga nakasama ko sa aking pag-iisa sa likod ng aming bahay kani-kanina, ang mga elemento na magbibigay sakin ng panandaliang tama at limot.

I was told by my doctor to quit smoking(malamang, alam mo namang sabihin niya na pagpatuloy ko!), and to avoid drinking as well(hanggat sa maari). Wala pa naman akong bronchitis or anyhting, Ok pa naman daw ang baga ko at sa 30's pa daw baka maghihiganti ang katawan ko, pero ang atay ko ay mukhang uma-advance na.

I had some of my blood sucked out from my body again to check if I have hepa or something, I 'm not so sure, basta about sa liver, bat naman kasi ang poga ng sulat ng mga doktor eh, hindi ko tuloy mabasa yung pinagsusulat niya. Ganito kasi nangyari...

Chever... chever... chever

Dok:(Tinitignan ang results ko)Umiinom ka ba?
Me: Opo
Dok: How often?
Me: Ahm, pag may inuman?
Dok: Gaano kadalas?
Me: Atleast once a month po siguro...
Dok: Bawasan yan ah
Me: Ok(Cheka!)
Dok: Na-vaccinate ka na ba sa hepa?
Me: Di ko po maalala eh.

Si dok ay kumuha ng white na papel at may sinulat dito

Dok:(Binigay sakin ang papel) Bigay mo ito dun sa babae sa front desk at balik ka ng friday next week para matignan ko ang results
Me:Ano pong gagawin?

Si Dok ay kumuha nanaman ng papel, blue naman ang kulay, at may sinulat uli

Dok: (Binigay sakin ang papel)Oh pabili mo ito, take mo ito three times a day for a month, supplement ng liver yan
Me: Ahm...
Dok: Sige kita nalang tayo next week!

Ako ay pumunta na ng front desk at binigay ang white na papel

Chever... chever... chever

Girl sa front desk: Sige punta ka nalang ng laboratory at kukunan ka ng dugo!

So ganun, Ok naman ang process ng pag kuha ng dugo sakin, cute ung med tech eh, alam niyang cute siya kaya mas pacute siya, lahat yata ng patients niya nilalandi niya, at isa na ko dun (feeling ko).

Totoo pla yung mga sinasabi ng mga tao na it really feels odd pag nalaman mo na pwedeng may sakit ka, na parang feeling mo end of the world, na worried ka na baka you can't do the things that you usually do anymore. I know I'm not yet sure if I'm really ill, but the thought of it makes me depress (malamang).

Oh well, let's just wait for the results...

P.S. Since everything is starting to get scary and all, I'm now determined to quit smoking. My plan is paisa-isang stick muna, hanggang sa tuwing inuman nalang, hanggang sa super rare situations nalang. And sa inuman naman, super dalang talaga muna, J-mee the malaking kaha will be absent at minor drinking sessions until furhter notice. O diba, super!

Just when the sun is trying to rise after a long darkness
Here come the clouds again
Overshadowing every iluminated surface
Until all that is left is just a single hope
for brightness to return again

ANOTHER POST TO MAKE ME MOVE

2006-05-18T17:03:00.000+08:00

You're probably tired of reading posts in my blog containing words that might motivate me to outgrow this idleness phase I'm experiencing, but I'm still not going to stop, not unless i find something else to blab about(Feeling ko naman may nagbabasa nito).

I've found out that most people are into soul searching these days, or in my case, trying to have the urge to soul search.

So when will I start searching for that soul that I so lack of? Hmmm, that will take time(for me), but I guess my urge to start get going with my life(you know, avoiding being slothful, do something for crying out loud) is becoming evident now. The other day, my brother has noticed that I resumed dieting(may verb ba yun?) that morning, but funny that I ate dinner twice that same night(may progress na diba?haha).

So I suppose nothing much has changed yet, but I know that sooner or later, changes will be visible... kahit yung katamaran ko lang at procrastination ang mabawasan muna!

Now let's have a tiny talk about Identity crisis(since konektado naman)...

A blockmate of mine wrote in her blog(Naku, huli ako!) that this identity crisis or the uncertainty feeling to one's self is maybe a part of a person's coping mechanism with maturity, we are both not sure if that's a fact but I guess it's possible(oh my god, nag-mamature na ko?), kasi this uncertainty feeling made you think or realize that something is wrong(you're starting to think, that's being mature?).

Ang masasabi ko lang ay so ok, It's great that one has found out that there is a big puzzle inside of her that has pieces missing and needs to be figured out later, but nobody should just stop there, everybody has to outgrow this identity crisis, take action to refrain from being stuck to that phase(like what happened to me). Knowing is one thing, doing something is another(Ang daling sabihin ha).

So how do we outlive this identity crisis, how do we find out our personal legend, how do we make ourselves? ABA, EWAN KO! Pero I guess, we should have the urge to do it first, and the rest of the problem should be figured out by ourselves as we embark on that futile soul searching... think, explore, move! It will not be easy that's for sure(everybody knows that, and of all people eh ako pa nagsasabi nito)...

and as for me, first...

"wiggle your big toe!"

O sige na... hindi ko alam sinasabi ko...

THIS GUSTER SONG

2006-05-16T16:24:00.000+08:00

My Bro made me listen to a song of the band GUSTER entitled, "demons", but that's not the lyrics of the song I'm going to post here. Since i started to like "demons", I began to search for other songs of Guster that might be my next favorite song, and I found this...

"Two Points For Honesty"

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all

I want to be where I've never been before
I want to be there and then I'd understand
Know I'm right and do it right, could I get to be like that
I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain

Will I get better or stay the same
I find I always move to slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that...

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all

And all the people who've seen it all before
And all the people who really understand
Know they're right, and have done it right, could I get to be like that
I'll know what I don't know, it's harder everyday

Can't lift a finger, can't hurt a fly
I've found I always move too slowly
One things for certain, I'm insecure
I never knew till someone told me that....

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all

Nobody cares at all
They never care at all

Talk about timing...

Now that's the song that screams,"J-MEE!"

It smacked me right on the face...

Hope you get the idea...

BLANK

2006-05-15T03:07:00.003+08:00

Just Another Post of the Fat Procrastinator

I see them, and all I feel is insecurity and envy. If only I could be where they are now. If I weren't lazy, procrastinating, and afraid of facing and doing the right things, I could have been like them, people who have the urge of moving their way to do what they want. What seems to be wrong? Why am I avoiding the things that I really want to do? When will I finally take that step and not just dare myself to do so? What am I so scared of?

So what now? Will I just get stuck with the habit of looking faults at other people to find pleasure, and when I can't see anything but greatness in them, I'll just whine and pity myself like what I'm doing now?

I know I'm doing something... well sometimes, damn I'm already exhausted with my idleness, and still, why can't I stop my being stuck-up all the time?

Oh when will that certain shade of green come?

Ang dami kong tanong...

What the hell, I'll TRY to get this over with once and for all...

It is waiting there
The substance that I lack of
And all I have to do is to take that first step
If only my foot weren't so heavy

GLOOMY SATURDAY

2006-05-13T18:25:00.000+08:00

Bye Bye Friendster Blog

I just deleted my friendster blog.

I just have to do it because I can't find any reason why I should pursue in publishing blogs there, I have my blogspot which is more personalized and blog friendly, and don't you think one blog site is enough already? so I just have to end it with friendster Blog.

I really had some good times with that friendster blog, it opened me a new horizon to expand my worth. I've written entries there that represents my insights, experiences, realizations and many more, but i guess some things just have to end to begin a new one(drama, parang tao ang blog ah!)

Deleting my friendster blog was a tragedy. I know it's really hard to let go of something, but I just have to accept that choosing one means loosing one. I chose this blogspot over my friendster blog for a reason that... I don't know, bored lang cguro ako at kailangan may magawa ako kaya ko dinelete si friendster blog(Prang nagsisisi na tuloy ako).

Hay It's final na and there's no more turning back, All I have to do now is to bid goodbye to Friendster Blog...

Farewell jmeeakajho.blogs.friendster.com/myblog/, although our time has already ended, the memories we've shared will stay forever in my heart...

Ang drama ng lola mo, why make such a big fuzz over this friendster blog?

I think it was the hangover from an inuman/swimming last night that made me all corny mushy... sori naman!

HOW SINFUL AM I?

2006-05-12T14:47:00.000+08:00

I found this at www.blogthings.com. Try it out, it's fun!

My Deadly Sins

Sloth: 60%

Gluttony: 20%

Lust: 20%

Pride: 20%

Envy: 0%

Greed: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 17%

You will die while sleeping - and no one will notice.

It's actually 90% accurate... i love this!

Now all I have to do is to refrain myself from sleeping until I find someone who will sleep with me... gaga tanga, haha!

Now Click This Link To Find Out How Sinful Are You?

The weird dreams and the check-up

2006-05-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

I'm writing again, hehehe! The feeling is still different, but I guess I can manage, I just have to keep up with the quote, "write to express and not to impress."

I've been getting weird dreams lately and I don't know why I get them...

What were the dreams about? Well, let's just say it's too graphic and disgusting for them to be made public.

Anyway, I finally went to that executive check-up my mom has been insisting me to do for weeks . It was ok, I had some blood works, chest x-ray, ultrasound (not that I have a baby or anything), and that oh- so cool stress test. The stress test is when you walk on a treadmill in three different stages; the normal walk, the brisk walk, and a kind of walk that makes you run already instead of walking. Your body also has chords and ''self-adhesive electrodes'' attached to it that are connected to a machine that measures the cardiovascular churva, or whatever you call it. I'm telling you, that stress test was a new experience for me. Especially the time when they made me take off my clothes beside a window where I can see all the people and the cars outside doing their thing (Later that I learned that the other side of that window is a one way mirror, like in the police movies). And yeah, how can I forget the time when the nurse barbarously ripped off the attached sticky gausses on my body, on my breasts to be exact (Sarap ng feeling, parang nag-wawax lang siya ng kahoy ah, grrr!).

In general, I guess the check-up turned out ok, I don't know the results yet but I assume that I only have minor complications (except for the probable effect of yosi). I still have to give my stool and urine sample to the laboratory, but since I don't have the urge to scrape my shit off my ass yet, I decided to re-schedule that exciting procedure. Oh well, let's just wait till the results come out...

Maybe it's the Stress test's fault why I've been getting weird dreams lately, hmm...

WRITER'S BLOCK?

2006-05-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

Sa bawat lakas ng bugso ng emosyon
Siya ring pindot ko sa mga letra
Mga tekstong maghuhulma ng aking damdamin
Damdaming naipon na kailangan ng ilabas

Pero bakit hindi ko na magawa ngayon ito?

Sadya bang wala na kong maipahayag na emosyon, o akin nang napag-tanto na wala palang kabuluhan at patutunguhan ang aking ginagawang ito?

O siguro, ang ninanais ko lang ay ang pagkintal ng mga tao sa aking ginagawa at hindi talaga ang maipahayag ang aking nararamdaman...

At kung gayon lang pala ang aking adhikain, hindi ko na siya magawa ngayon...

Kailan uli maibabalik ang TOTOONG tulong na nagagawa sakin ng pagsusulat?

Feeling Makata mode talaga ako ngayon ah!

GRRR...

2006-05-06T15:59:00.000+08:00

Ala-ala ng kahapon

Since I can't think of anything to write, I started to read my previous journal entries from my pc to get some ideas to write about...

In the end, none of my earlier blogs has given me something to write about, but I've found something that caught my attention... It's an entry I wrote last January...

I feel itchy... naligo naman ako.

Binabalikan na naman yata ako ng aking kahapon, baka kaya ako nangangati dahil sa pag-paparamdam niya, para siyang parasite na tumatamabay sa balat ko para gawin lang miserable muli ang buhay ko, at wala siyang alam na ginagawa niya ito sakin...

Pero di kaya ako ang parasite at siya ang host? hindi puwede! ako ang nangangati, at hindi siya!

Leche! Mag-kakamot na nga lang ako at matutulog na!

Haha! Funny that I felt that way when I was in the ugly stage of falling in love with a certain person, oh well... just reminiscing...

In the mood for love?

Oh, Love is everywhere again! I guess it has always been... happy in love here, heartbreaks there, bitterness on the left, craving for love everywhere, ... why do we give in to this stuff, affected by this thing in every way?

Hmmm, It seems that I'm looking again for that virus, the virus that will make me deaden my senses again, that bittersweet experience that always leaves me wounded, the state where you can't completely comprehend and define, the thing that I believe is called love.

Maybe i'm a sucker for love just like everyone else, although I'm aware that it will bring me pain sooner or later...

Oh the sweet revenge of suffering after a blissful experience... at least you felt blissful!

Heck, maybe I'm just in need for(wink)... hahaha!

...WALA DAW MAISULAT HA...

...

2006-05-01T15:15:00.000+08:00

You'd done something
Something that you thought was liberation
It felt so good
But then you realized that not all can understand it
Then you feel like trash
A dirty piece of shit that deserves nothing but humiliation
So you begin to hide it
But you cant hide it, you just can't do it anymore

Now that's where you succumb yourself to the fucked-up machine called society...

I GUESS

2006-04-30T16:55:00.000+08:00

Of all the things I've been doing in my life right now, such as reading books occasionally, writing my heart out, having a theatre organization, and more, I guess, I still can't be called as someone who does something in her life. Yeah, I think I'm still waiting for that certain shade of green that will make me move, I suppose when you are doing things, that doesn't mean you are really doing something, you are just moving.

I used to believe that what I've been doing all this time is far from my sloth self before, but now I think I just mutated myself to a sloth in motion, like an inflatable thing that just moves around, and that whatever you do to it, it just keeps on standing without any purpose. I'm not saying that reading, writing, and having a theatre org, is useless, I love those things, but it's just that I haven't done enough of the right things yet, It's like I've been avoiding the things that I should be doing.

I guess I'm still the same old sloth that I've been for the past 18 years...

When will it end?

MICASA SUCASA

2006-04-20T16:15:00.000+08:00

I can still remember the time when Mingu said to me,"Micasa Sucasa!"...

The room was in heat
Everybody was moving so fast
doing things for the hibernated animal
The creature that will end it all for us

I can smell the stench of hostility that circulated around the kitchen, I can feel my existence being out of place, but still it didn't stop me from eating their food.
So I was sitting there, with mingu and edge, stuffing food in our mouths, food that we didn't get the chance to absorb the taste due to the assumption that we're being abhorred. But wait there's more! A song started to play and spread like a disease around the first floor of the house, the song that will trigger the beginning of the end... The song,"It's my party" by Leslie Gore, only the lyrics were slightly different...

It's my birthday and I'll whine if I want to,
Shout at my mom if I want to,
kick my sister's friends out of the house if I want to,

...Something like that...

Oh yes, we were repelled by the creature's peculiar roar, fear arose and caused tears to flood,our hearts were palpitating(I'm just exaggerating, hehehe! Pero somehow, ganun nafeel ko). The burst of emotions were not only caused by the creature's screech, but also because the idea of "nevergoingbacktomingu's" is beginning to materialize.

Mingu's house has been our second home ever since the kada was founded. Maybe that's the reason why the "incident" happened, it's because we got too relaxed at a home that is not ours in the first place, and the hibernated animal(Although we're not doing anything to him), has been the sign to evict ourselves from the place that's wrong for us right from the beginning(pero sabi nga ni norbex,"how can it be so wrong if it feels so right"

It was the end of it as we know it...

Many things have been smacked right in front of my face before, but this was different, and it will surely be remembered for a long time.

LESSON LEARNED:
There is no place like home
for in other homes, you'll never be welcomed by everybody
(Pero minsan kahit sa sarili mong bahay, di ka rin welcome diba? WA! Siguro wala akong natutunan, natrauma lang talaga ako!)

Well, as I always say,
Things will never be the same again...

Anyway, I'll be packing my bags tonight for I am going to Puerto Galera tomorrow morning! Wohoo! Beat that!

EGRESSION

2006-04-16T22:44:00.000+08:00

Here's the thing

You can't force it to happen

You may have got it right before

But you could still be wrong the next time

Here's what you got to do

You don't have to do it as a need

You have to feel it, want it

Refrain from doing it all the time

Enjoy the absence so it would feel so blissful when you feel it again

Boredom is not the reason, but an adventure for bliss

Find comfort when doing it

Do it for yourself and not for others

The secret is to feel it and not do it to feel

Don't force it... take time... feel it... Love it... enjoy it...

GABI

2006-04-16T16:36:00.001+08:00

Ilang oras ng binubuhos ang panahon
Sa mga hindi totoong pakiramdam
Para mai-ahon ang sarili sa kalungkutan
Dulot ng pag-iisa

Ilang madaling-araw narin ang aking nilagi
Nag-iisang inaantay ang bukang liwayway
Nangangarap na makasama ka
Hanggang sa pag-lubog ng araw

Buong araw nang nag-aantay
Sa bagay na maaring di kailanman makikita
Buong araw ng nag-aantay
Sa pag-ibig na maaring di kailanman makikita

Ilang madaling-araw narin ang aking nilagi
Nag-iisang inaantay ang bukang liwayway
Nangangarap na makasama ka
Hanggang sa pag-lubog ng araw

Buong araw nang nag-aantay
Sa bagay na maaring di kailanman makikita
Buong araw ng nag-aantay
Sa pag-ibig na maaring di kailanman makikita

Ilang oras nalang ang nalalabi
para sa isang panibagong umaga
na maaring hindi nanaman kita makita
Makikita pa rin kaya kita

Ayoko na... Ayoko na... Ayoko na... Ayoko na...

Buong araw nang nag-aantay
Sa bagay na maaring di kailanman makikita
Buong araw ng nag-aantay
Sa pag-ibig na maaring di kailanman makikita

Hindi kailangan mag-antay,hindi kailangan magkunwari
Wala rin kwentang pilitin ang sarili sa kasinungalingan para makaraos
ako'y haharap na sa bagong umaga
Kapiling ka man o hindi

LINGER

2006-04-10T16:28:00.000+08:00

A monologue of a woman to the man she loves

I've been waiting here at the table, my dress all Glam, your food prepared, and my smile waiting for you.

But you were at her table, eating dinner and having fun, without even having thoughts on the glamorous dress that I'm wearing, or your favorite food that I've prepared, not even a tiny guilt on my smile that has been waiting for you ever since.

You were forever hers I know, but your presence, just your presence is all I need and is what I've always been longing for.

All my life I've caged myself to be with you, thinking that I belong to you, thinking that I could find happiness through you, It's love I suppose, If it wasn't love then I should have left a long time ago, instead of waiting here for you.

You said you'll be here, that's what keeps me on going you know, and that's what also makes me stupid, because I'm letting myself be inspired by your words that we both know were never true.

I've waited long, very long, so long that I just couldn't stop anymore. When will you come back?

I guess love could be so cruel sometimes, so cruel that it makes one feel so much tired of waiting but still, one just can't give up. Why is it like that? Is it because I've been waiting for such a long time that I can't stop?
All my life I've been waiting for happiness, now all I feel is pain but I can't stop anymore, I've been living my life this way for a long time that I don't want to know what will it be like when everything starts to change. Funny isn't it, that this painful feeling is what makes me alive, and perhaps, will make me lose my breath as well in time.

I guess nothing will change for I've decided that I just can't run away, give up, or be brave to go on. That's life I guess, or perhaps love, or maybe, it's just me.

Well, I'll just be here until the time of going home has arrived... me waiting here at the table, my dress all Glam, food prepared, and my smile waiting for you...

WELL

2006-03-28T15:37:00.000+08:00

I have gone to a place where I have never been before
To search for happiness that seems to be so unfamiliar
To satisfy the crave for delight brought by curiosity
I have gone to a strange place, sort of a well

I began to immerse myself to the well
Everything starts to be familiar now but still so new
Touching its roundness and softness
The well's mystery has finally been revealed right before me

As I plunge lower, the crave for pleasure increases
The well seems to be boundless, with no endpoint
Yet my hands have reached something
Something that triggers happiness, or perhaps, just pleasure

As the hands swam lower and lower, the pleasure heightens
Water starts to flow, everything starts to happen so slowly
Then the journey gets faster and faster until it ended with a bang
Woah! That was close, I almost drown with joy

I got out of the well with a blush of intense rapture
It was a different kind of enjoyment that I never knew existed
Yet something was missing in that well
You